Thursday, October 15, 2009

Little Wonders

The day I delivered the twins I found myself alone for a minute and in that short time I rubbed my belly and thanked Daniel for letting me be his mommy. I apologized to him that my body had failed him and that he had to go. I told him I loved him and that I will always love him. And then he kicked me. With that little kick my heart officially left my body, torn to pieces at what was happening. I was giving birth to a baby not ready for this world. He would have to go to heaven. And it was all my fault. There was nothing anybody could do to stop it from happening. I just had to learn how to wake up the next day and keep moving.

It was hard at first. Grief would hit me like a truck before my eyes would even open. I moved from the bed to the couch and back to the bed and didn't move. I didn't talk, didn't move, didn't eat and had to remind myself to breathe. The only thing that got me through was the thought of being able to try again.

I recovered quickly and easily from the birth that left me with empty arms. I went back to work and went on vacation. I surrounded myself with family and my best friend. And poured over stories of women who lost babies before me. Finding strength in their words and the proof that you can move forward, you can go on. Never forgetting and always holding in your heart the love that was there. As you all know we tried again and have a 15 month old wonder child who is currently sleeping upstairs in his crib, completely unaware of the miracle that he is. Oblivious to the fact that he is my dream come true. The dream that began on July 11th when his brother and sister went home to Jesus. The dream that forced me to keep moving.

Losing them destroyed me and slowly I had to figure out who I was again. I had to find out who this new "Megan" was and what she was going to do with the heartbreaking turn her life has taken. I like to think I've come very far. And some days I know I have. But somedays I still find that grief weighing on my shoulders. I still pause when I let myself think of what I should have right now. Yet I am completely grateful for what I do have.

Today is a day when mothers and fathers around the world can celebrate the little lives that passed on too soon. It's a day to light a candle in honor of all those sweet dreams that ended before they really had a chance to begin.

I lit my candle. Did you?

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1 comment:

Stephanie Stearns Dulli said...

I did. I lit my candle. And I'm crying for your loss. I didn't know Daniel kicked you, and I swear I felt a little kick on my heart when I read that.
I'm so sorry you lost the twins and am so grateful you have Matthew. And selfishly I am glad you had him when you did otherwise I wouldn't have met you, and my life is nicer for having known you. You are a wonderful mother.