Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Hearty Laugh

Tonight after bath time Matt was playing with the baby on the bed. He was pretending the dinosaur on his jammies was biting his hand. Matthew started laughing out loud so hard! It was his first laugh directed at us because of something we've done.

When he was first born we existed to him solely as the people who fed and changed him, and now we've also taken on the role as entertainer. A role which we gladly accept.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Purple Box

Today is pregnancy and infant loss rememberence day. At 7:00 pm woman across the country will be lighting candles in honor of their little ones. Not that a day goes by that we don't remember our losses, but it's nice to have a day that is set aside for it.

On the morning of July 12th I was being wheeled out of the hospital, a purple box in my lap, my eyes were cast downward to avoid seeing all the happy families with their new babies. I didn't have a baby, I had a box...

The day we found out that one of our twins didn't make it was one of the most bittersweet days of my life. In one breath we found out we lost our sweet Baby B while in the next breath we found out Baby A was a healthy boy. Shell-shocked would be a good word to describe it.

I had to go on and move forward, I had a little boy on the way and he needed his mommy to be strong.

Five days after we found that out I started having contractions that I thought was just a backache. When I went to the OB I was immediately sent to the hospital. Walking down the hall to the nurses station we passed a woman and a baby leaving to go home. I was instantly struck by the realization that I would not be leaving the hospital with a baby.

Not long after that my fears were confirmed as our doctor, with tears streaming down her face and the beat of my sons heart on the monitor behind us said that I was in full labor, it couldn't be stopped, and he would not survive more than a few minutes if he survived at all.

Devestated. How could this have happened to us? How did we struggle through infertility to finally be blessed with twins only to now be losing the one that survived? We quickly made the decision to move forward with the induction. No sense putting off the inevitable.

We were asked if we wanted them baptized and without hesitation said yes. Then we realized we needed to name them. I wanted biblical names and instantly the name Daniel came to me. There was a little boy in my class a few years ago who had been diagnosed with brain cancer whose name was Daniel and I remembered the story of Daniel and the Lion's Den with him, he's Cancer free now, by the way. When I said the name out loud to Matt he grabbed my hand and we cried. We went with Hope for Baby B even though we didn't know the sex. All along the twins had been "faith" and "hope" to us and we wanted to stick with it.

The day went along and right before Daniel was born I was so scared I asked the nurse to pray with us and she did. She said beautiful words asking God to help us to know we were good parents to Daniel and Hope and to be there for us in our time of need. I felt God in that room that day. It was the worst day of my life, yet I felt a small little light inside of me. The light of God letting me know He was there and I was not alone.

The next day the nurse came in with the only proof that my babies ever existed. There were some pictures, footprints, little hospital bands and some commemorative birth certificates. That box is one of my most prized possessions.

Looking back on that day and the first few days that followed I am proud of my strength. I'm not sure how I did it except to say that you find the strength you need when you need it. You pull it out of your toes and you find it in the strength of the woman who walked through that fire before you. You take it from everybody around you until you can stand up on your own.

I am a better mommy to Matthew because of them. I have been taught the importance of loving every moment and being attentive to every blink of his eye of being grateful for every breath.

I ask you when you read this today to say a prayer for Daniel and Hope and for the babies of my dear friends. Our lives are forever changed by their tiny footprints.


These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
Never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant,
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all,
these tiny footprints,
are found on mommy's heart.
Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll NEVER truly part.

Author Unknown.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

3 Months and Going Strong

Our little man turned 3 months old the other day! Here's a then and now comparison







Where does the time go?

When Life Gives You Prunes...

Well our little friend Matthew has been having some potty issues, mostly that he hasn't gone. So mommy helped him out tonight by introducing him to prunes! He wasn't thrilled at first but he actually started opening his mouth for it after a bit!

Ummm, mom, what are you doing?

I don't think I like this...Photobucket

I really don't know about this stuff!

We kept telling him that it does get better. Eventually he'll be able to eat pizza and cookies and steak, but yeah, it doesn't start out that fun.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Once In A Lullaby...


Thank you so much for the pictures and video! He has the most beautiful complextion ! How could anyone not love those rosy little cheeks and his big blue eyes. He is a keeper! I can remember you at that age, holding you and rocking you to sleep was one of my most endearing memories about you as a baby. I remember thinking - this little munchkin is so amazing and bright and God managed to package all of these wonders that we called Megan into one little baby body. Well the apple does not fall far from the tree. You and Matt Sr. make beautiful babies!!! I think that he was well worth the wait. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing these pictures. I save them and pull them out when I am having a horrible pain day - his little baby face makes me feel better. Just looking at him and remembering you and my own three when all of you were as little as he and I have to smile. Treasure this time because they soon grow up andbegin to talk which leads to eventual talking back (such is life).

Take care, tell Matt hi, and give my little angel boy a kiss from his great aunt who promises to love him always just as I have loved his mother!

hugs and kisses all aroundAunt Cathy"

My Aunt Cathy sent me this email on Tuesday September 9th. A week later she passed away. Another loss in my family. She was my mother's oldest sibling and her death rocked my family, the grief made that much stronger by the fact that it's only been 3 months since my mom passed away.

She loved my son, as made evident by the email in the beginning of this blog. Most people (okay everybody) called her a baby hog. She once took a job at a daycare in the afternoons not to make extra money but to have babies to snuggle. When she visited me in the hospital after I had the baby she wanted to know if she could go down to the NICU and rock some of the babies there. She also made sure the nurses knew what they were doing when it came to taking care of her niece and her great-nephew.

This email and the others I have by her are especially important to me because the fibromyalgia she suffered with made her hard to understand in person. Her words would be slurred and she would tell you the same things over and over not realizing she had already told you. But in these emails the clarity came through. There were glimpses into the woman she was before the pain took over.

She called me once or twice a week since I had the baby always wondering about every little detail of him. Did he enjoy his baths? Did he smile if you made funny faces at him? How was he sleeping? She told me story after story about me as a little girl and her own children growing up. She had three children pretty close together and recently told me how her middle child, David, complained that all the pictures of him he was in the swing. She roared with laughter as she said, "I had two children running around and I was tired and pregnant again, I had to know where one of them was!"

She consoled me after I felt like such a bad mommy the day Matthew rolled off of our couch. She told me that babies get hurt a lot worse when they start walking around and walk into things. She then told me the story of the time one of her children fell down the stairs after she just told her husband to be careful. And how she came home one day to find her husband taking their oldest child, Sarah, to the emergency room because she had dropped a brick on her toe. She said she was furious with him for letting her play with bricks.

I cherish these stories. Once again I have learned the hard lesson of not taking time spent with family and friends for granted because we just aren't guaranteed tomorrow.

When Matthew was a couple weeks old Aunt Cathy and her youngest child, Mary, came up to visit me and the baby, well mostly the baby. She was so excited to be here and to get her hands on him. She would even time Mary to make sure she didn't hold him too long. I'm glad she was able to come and spend the day with us.

Right before she left she was laying on the couch with the baby sleeping on her and she said to Matt, "Matt, quick, grab the camera and take our picture, it will be the cutest picture." She captured a moment in time I will always treausure. Most likely it was one of the last pictures taken of her, and on a day where she was so happy, doing what she loved best. Baby hogging.


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Oh What Fun!!

Since Matthew likes to stand up so much we decided to get him an excersaucer. To say he loved it was an understatement. Matthew's normal strength in his neck was no where to be found as he strained to look at all the new brightly colored toys around him. Again, to watch him discover the world around him is just an awesome experience.







And here he is in video form playing with it.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Letting Go

We had a big day. Matthew slept in his crib for the first time for his big nap this afternoon. I laid him in it, waited until he fell asleep, and promptly began to cry. I always knew this day would come. The day where he started being in his own space that wasn't two feet away from me.

He's always been where I am. At night he sleeps in his swing until we go to bed and then we bring him up with us and he sleeps in his bassinette next to my side of the bed. It seems so silly to be sad over such a little thing, but it all goes to the point of he's starting to grow up on me. And I'm not ready.