Saturday, February 27, 2010

A Few New Videos

Here's a few videos of Matthew. He's talking in them and spells his name in one (M-A-T-H) and counts. And he sings "The Wheels On The Bus" in one.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Has Anyone Seen My Little Baby?

Has anyone seen my little baby?


I know he used to be around here somewhere.


Just the other day he was here...I remember so clearly him laying in his swing.


Hmmm...I must be remembering wrong.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Two for...Wednesday?

Anyway, I have a video, which I know you all love. It's something I want to forever remember. Matthew says "balala" for "banana" and this morning I got it on video!

This is our morning routine. He runs into the kitchen and looks for bananas. God help us if there are none there. I talked about temper tantrums in my last post and that's the tip of the iceberg if there's no balalas in the house!

Anyway, enjoy! I believe you'll spot a couple signs in there if you pay attention! (hint--"eat" and "more")


It's happened. My perfect, lovely little boy has hit the toddler stage. He is in the phase of he wants to do it so he's going to. Whether that's taking pictures frames down, unsetting the dinner table right after I've set it or climbing on the end table from the couch as he's doing as I type this...{pause}...okay I'm back. As his mom and dad we have to decide which battles are worth fighting. The picture frames are no big deal, neither is fighting him to keep a hat on when we leave the house, he's the one that will have a cold head, not me. Climbing on the table is a definite no-no though as is running away from the dinner table while wielding two knives.

Every stand-off ends the same. Mommy is frustrated and Matthew is crying. He's not quite there yet to get "no" or "stop" it's our job as parents to show consistency and start the understanding process of those powerful words. It's not fun, this tantrum thing. And when he's upset and crying and reaching for me it takes all I have to not scoop him up and love on him. I have to remind myself that it's okay if he's upset if he's learning a lesson from it. Navigating his world is hard and he's just trying to figure out his place in our family and in the world in general. He's got all kinds of things going on in his brain and he can't communicate them properly. It's my job as mom to help him learn to express what he's feeling without getting too frustrated with him.

Last night when I went in to do my daily "is he still breathing" check before bed he was half awake. And when he saw me he grabbed his Stinky Puppy and his Buddy Bear and lifted his arms. I sat with him in the chair and rocked him. He fits perfectly in the crook of my arm but something strange seems to have happened. His legs now fall almost all the way across my legs and I was struck by how quick this time is going. He's not throwing a tantrum because he's out to get me, although it does feel like that sometimes. He's just working out how to exist. How to deal with it when something doesn't go your way. And trust me things don't go the way a toddler would like about a billion times a day. I stared into his sleeping little face with tears stinging my eyes and resolved to do better today. That's the beautiful thing about waking up each morning, it's a new chance, a clean slate. And hopefully today it brings more understanding from both of us.

I love this boy, and his yogurt covered face.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Snow Storm

Our area has been hit by snow which was fun since we didn't have anywhere to go. After naptime we bundled up Matthew and took him out in it. He loved it!

Here are a couple video's of him playing.

Crawling in the snow.

and helping Matt to shovel

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Someone Always Looking Out For Him

I think I do a pretty good job of living life in the moment. Of being grateful beyond words for what I have and the life I live. But there are times when I am hit so hard with the realization that I gave birth to two babies who were not meant for this world. I had just started feeling Daniel move when I went into labor. I was talking to him when I had a minute to myself in the hospital and apologized for what was going to happen. And he kicked me. And when he did my heart shattered and fell onto the floor. Here he was safe in my belly and working on growing strong enough to be born not knowing that he didn't have a chance. Well he did have a chance. We were given the choice to try. But the dr's and specialists saw very little success in that. In order for it to work I would have to lay in bed with my head lower than my feet and not move. Not to eat, not to shower, not to go to the bathroom. And I would have had to do that for 5 weeks at least. My chances were 20% of it working. And if that worked there was a 50/50 chance of Daniel being born deaf, blind and with cerebal palsy. In our hearts and mind that was no choice at all.

We gathered our strength and let my body do what it was trying to do and said goodbye to our little boy and little girl. Life for us would never be the same. Sometimes I look at pictures of us before the twins and feel bad for us. For the painful road we would go on to have a family.

While those moments of grief and sorrow and sheer anger at my body for not letting that pregnancy to continue aren't as constant as they once were, they are still there. And then I look at Matthew and can't imagine our lives without him. His little soul is just so full of love and happiness and makes my heart soar.

I've done good for a long time, talking about the twins with the perspective of gratefulness rather than sorrow. But grief nudged it's way into my life again last night. I was preparing a letter for our March For Babies team. And looking online for a "little brother" shirt for Matthew to wear. I came across one that I loved and for some reason my eyes scanned the page and read the description of the shirt. Something I've never really done before when looking at clothes for him. It said the following:

"Little Bro lets everyone know he's got someone looking out for him in our bright tee."

Someone looking out for him.

He's got someone looking out for him, or two someone's. How I wish they were here with him.

I've learned something in this journey of grief. Despite what people tell you time doesn't help it. Everytime it hits me it's just as strong as those first few days. And I'm grateful I can get through most of my days without falling in that hole. And I'm grateful for my husband and my family and friends who know that sometimes I just need to talk about them. To have someone tell me that it's okay to talk about them. It honors their existence. And that's all a mother wants, to know that their baby matters. Even if those babies live on only in my heart.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

A Hard Worker

I have another video to share. Matthew found the duster that comes with the vacuum cleaner and decided to help clean the floor. Listen to the sound effects, they're hysterical!

Building Blocks

Last night after dinner we sat on the floor and played with some blocks he got for Christmas. They're probably one of his favorite toys, well toys that are actually toys. He also loves the remote, phone, camera...basically all the stuff he shouldn't be touching.

Together we were stacking blocks and making a building, and Matt told me I'd never cut it as an engineer, good thing I have no plans to be one.


Matthew was working very hard on his project. He was quite thoughtful as to where he put each block.


After we were done with one building Matthew found the perfect use for it. A seat!


However refer to the comment above regarding my engineering skills or lack thereof.


After the chair fell apart we decided to help daddy with his more structurally stable building.



Finally we decided to see how high we could make our tower before it fell down.

Clean up time!

Of course there are many lessons to be taken from building with blocks. Lessons beyond learning how to build something structurally sound so that it won't fall down. It's building family time and relatioship between a parent and a child. It's teaching him that working together we can do anything and if you put it together strong enough it will never fall down.

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Joy in Simple Things

How many times do you see geese? Everytime you're out right? The other day I looked at them differently for the first time. We went to Panera for breakfast and sat by the window that overlooked a river where geese were. Or as he calls them, "burs". He sat there for a long time waving at them and telling them "hi burs!" It's an awesome thing, to take a step back and look at something you see all the time through the eyes of a child who's never noticed it before.

I can't wait for the spring when new baby geese arrive and we can show them to Matthew.