Monday, November 10, 2008

Letters to My Children

Dear Matthew,

A year ago yesterday mommy found out you were on your way to us. I was scared something would go wrong and so excited at the chance it would go right. I spent 38 weeks dreaming of your little face and all of the things I wanted to do with you. When my mind would wander and panic would fill my soul I would imagine holding you against me with your little legs tucked up underneath of you. I would imagine taking you into the pool at the house down in North Carolina with you being so tiny. Your Aunt Christi and I spent hours online looking for a bathing suit small enough for a little guy like you to wear. I would imagine your eyes, dark brown like mommy's. Imagine my surprise at the bright blue eyes that stare back at me each day.

All of those things I dreamed about and imagined came true. But last night when I couldn't sleep I started thinking about all of the little things I love about you now. Like how when you were so little, just a week old I would lay you on my chest and everytime your daddy or I would utter a sound you would lift your head up to try and find us. Or how you wake up in the morning so happy and playing and when I look over at you in your bassinette and you see me you break into the biggest smile. I love how when daddy is feeding you, you just stare at him. I love how you lay in your swing and turn your head towards the tv, letting the lights lull you to sleep. I love how when I give you a bath at night and run the washcloth under your neck you break out into giggles. You are definitely ticklish like your mommy. I love how when I sing to you the "bumblebee song" it makes you laugh and how you love to look at the pictures in the books we read to you.

I love that when I handed you the dinosaur we had bought for your brother you clung to it like it was your favorite thing in the world. And how whenever I talk about your big brother and sister to you you smile. I sometimes wonder if you can see them and know they are your special angels.

I could go on and on about all the things I love about you, the list is endless. You are my little lovey boy and I am so happy I am your mommy.

I love you forever and ever,

Dear Daniel and Hope,

Mommy hasn't written to you in a while, please know that this in not due to a lack of thinking of you. I think of you every day and wonder how different our life would be if daddy and I had three little ones running around this house. As you know your little brother is here. He is 4 months old now. It's amazing how quick this is all going. I wonder if you both would have looked like him. I know from pictures of you that you and him inherited mommy's big feet. Sorry about that. Matthew's christening is Sunday and I know you will be there watching over all of us. We see you every day, in the hot air balloons that fly over our house, butterflies that go by the living room window, the smiles that Matthew gets as he's seeing things in the air. I am proud to be your mommy too and will love you all the days of my life. You couldn't stay with us and we are not meant to understand why, but you are in some awesome hands in heaven. I'm sure your grandparents and great-grandparents and Aunt Cathy just love on you all the time for me. You are not alone there and that gives me great peace.

I love you forever and ever too,


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