The events of July 4th and 5th 2007 are etched into my mind and will never be forgotten. We went to meet Sarah and Wayne to go down to Ocean City for the day like we did ever year. We were going to eat at Saladworks for lunch but they were closed for the holiday so we went to Moe's. The weather was bad so we didn't stay on the beach long and the fireworks were cancelled. After walking on the boardwalk for a little while we decided to leave.
We dropped them off home and checked into our hotel for the night. Hall and Oates were performing in Philly at the Welcome America celebration and we watched that and went to bed.
The next morning we woke up and had breakfast at the hotel and got ready to leave. I was wearing a green shirt and tan shorts. We stopped at the post office to mail something and then found a Saladworks to have lunch at.
Then it was time for our level II ultra sound appointment. "Do you want to find out?" the tech asked and we both answered her excitedly that yes we did. She worked for a while on Baby A, pointing out a heart, a lip, some toes. I remember while chatting with her it was on the tip of my tongue to say how fun this part of the job must be, to see these babies and let mommies and daddies know who was on the way. But I didn't say it. She went to look at Baby B and then quickly moved back to Baby A and said "let's see if we can see the gender first." She moved the wand around my belly and said "It's a boy!" Then she went to look at Baby B again. And then she got up and walked out of the room. Matt and I looked at each other wondering what was going on. She came back a few moments later with the dr and we knew something had gone horribly wrong. The dr moved the wand around for a few minutes searching and then turned to us and said..."I am so sorry...."
It was the first crumble of the eventual mountain of our lives that tumbled down that day. Yet I couldn't physically mourn. I had a healthy and growing little boy inside of me that I had to keep eating and resting and living for.
These next few days are such a roller coaster ride for me. I'm excited and happy and filled with love for Matthew and planning the fun of his birthday party and then very quickly I'm smacked in the face with the sharp, painful memory of all that we have lost. My eyes well up with tears both with the gratefulness of the healthy little boy who is almost two and also the emptiness that will never go away from the loss of his brother and sister.
I'm thankful for friends and family who remember the twins and know that in these coming days I need to be held a little closer for the ache of longing for those two lost little souls that will forever live inside my heart.