Everyday I think of them and actually last night I dreamed of them.
But this little boy has done something to me. He "fixed" a part of me that I didn't realize was broken because I got used to the broken me.
After losing the twins life went on and I found myself happy and looking forward to doing things but there was still a spark in the joy that wasn't as bright. And I just got used to it that way and kind of forgot how it felt the other way. And then last night driving home from an awesome day with our friends we were talking about going back down in a few weeks to go to a festival and the anticipation and excitement of going was so strong and I couldn't figure out why as it's just a silly little fall festival with overpriced food and tons of people. But then I realized it's because of him.
He's filled my life with a sweetness and joy that I thought would never return. And of course I could feel guilty still because the twins aren't here and he is but I can't because he is here and he deserves the whole world and I can't wait to show it to him.
I know it won't always feel this good. The emptiness will certainly return as I think that we should be a family of five and we are but not in a conventional way. But I sure as hell plan to enjoy the whole feeling when it comes.
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