Watch the Wind Go By

Listen to this.

I heard it tonight while we were at dinner. And it made me fall in love with Matt again. I love him. I've always loved him and I always will love him. But every once in a while in our busy, every day lives something triggers a feeling in me and I fall all over again. Just like the first moment I saw him in the mall and knew I had come "home." And like the moment I laid in his arms as the life we had known lay in a heap at our feet after we lost the twins and knew that no matter how devestated I felt, I was not alone. And like the moment I first saw him hold Matthew.

Not all the moments are big monumental ones. Some are small but they're still special. One weekend when I was still in school and we were visiting his parent's house when they lived in Pittsburgh, I had been up late the night before hand writing a paper since it was before laptops existed in our home and when I woke up the next morning and came downstairs he had typed up my paper for me.

At dinner, rising above the crowd noise I heard this song. And it brought me back to our life before children. Before loss. Before toddlers. It's hard to remember times like that existed. I love my life, and the chaos that children bring, but it's nice to fall again every now and then. To be brought back to the center of what our family is. And dream of the day when Matthew is off in his own home with his own family and Matt and I are old and rocking on our porch. When we have all the time in the world for each other again instead of just stolen moments after Matthew goes to bed.

I love him.

Where Have I Been?

Gosh, it's been a month since I've been here! Wow! Where have I been?

Oh yeah, here:


And going there took a lot of preparation to get ready. And we were there for two weeks. And then there was the week of depression when I got back. Anyway, I'm back and I promise to do better.

Check Out Our New Duds!

So I was kind of forced to redesign the blog when my old background disappeared, but I am in love. Blogger added all kinds of new features to design with and it was a lot of fun picking a new look! I hope you enjoy it and I hope it gets me blogging more!!

A Few New Videos

Matthew has had quite the imagination lately! He just amazes us!

Here's a few videos I took of him this morning.







We're busy busy here in the McMichael family. We leave for our annual trek down to the Outer Banks in a little over a week and we are so excited! Enjoy these videos!

AWESOME!

When I wasn't looking at his birthday party somebody taught Matthew a new trick. Luckily it's a cute one.

Check it out!

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Dear Daniel and Hope,

Three years ago today we let you go. As the time has passed it has gotten easier to deal with the loss of you but on this day my heart still breaks, my mind stuck on that day. I can smell the hospital and remember the tears from doctors and nurses who were with us. I can still hear the minister who baptized you crying in the room next to us. Three years out of your loss I wish I had been there when it happened, but I wasn't strong enough then.

The day we lost you was the saddest day of my life. And that day stretched into weeks and out of your loss came the strength to try again and because of that strength we have your brother.

But make no mistake about it, you made me a mother. And for that I am forever grateful.

I will forever love you and forever miss you.

Love,
your mommy

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

Another Trip Around The Sun

Dear Matthew,

Being your mommy is one of the greatest gifts ever. This year with you I got to live out lifelong dreams I've had. When other little kids talked about growing up to be doctors or lawyers or actresses, I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to spend my day with my child and do mommy and me classes. And we got to do a lot of them this year. We did swimming classes and gymnastics and lots of different library ones. It was so fun to watch how you changed through them. From the timid little boy who wouldn't leave my side to the kid who runs by me yelling "hi mommy!" as you're chasing a ball in gymnastics. I can't believe how much you've grown this year. And I am so grateful that I have the oppurtunity to spend every day with you. You are such a joy to me. From waking up in the morning listening to you on the monitor saying "mommy, are you?" to having you blow me kisses as daddy carries you into the bedroom after your bath. Every day is just so fun. Even your tantrums and power struggles.

I never knew love like this could exist. When you are happy, I am happy and when you feel pain I want to take it all from you. I want to keep you in the living room forever watching the movie Cars and protect you from mean little kids, and girls who won't love you back and bosses who won't see your potential. I want you to feel nothing but love as you grow. But I know that's not possible. As your mom and dad it's our job to raise you to be strong and wise and kind and to let you fly away and hope that we did it right. We want to raise you to know that the world won't always be a happy place, that hard times can sometime feel like they're around every corner you turn. And if we've done our job right then when those days come you'll hold your head up and keep walking forward, strong in the knowledge that the Lord is always with you and no matter how alone you may feel you're not.

Tomorrow is your second birthday and I just don't know where the time has gone. I miss the baby but the little kid you are becoming is just so awesome. I can't wait to watch you grow even more and see you one day become a man. I hope you're just like your daddy because he's the best man I know.

On this night before your birthday I have this prayer for you. I pray you always love with your whole heart, even if it gets broken. Never settle for someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them. Follow your dreams, wherever they may take you and know that a lot of times you have to fail before you get what you want. Sometimes the things that are harder to get are the most worthwhile. Working hard is the only way to get what you want, and if it's coming too easy perhaps it's not the right path. Love God always, although you may not understand all that He does, He will never let you down.

I love you Matthew, and I will always love you. No matter what you do or where you go you will always have a piece of my heart with you.

Happy birthday baby.
love,
Mommy.