i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Dear Daniel and Hope,

Three years ago today we let you go. As the time has passed it has gotten easier to deal with the loss of you but on this day my heart still breaks, my mind stuck on that day. I can smell the hospital and remember the tears from doctors and nurses who were with us. I can still hear the minister who baptized you crying in the room next to us. Three years out of your loss I wish I had been there when it happened, but I wasn't strong enough then.

The day we lost you was the saddest day of my life. And that day stretched into weeks and out of your loss came the strength to try again and because of that strength we have your brother.

But make no mistake about it, you made me a mother. And for that I am forever grateful.

I will forever love you and forever miss you.

Love,
your mommy

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

Another Trip Around The Sun

Dear Matthew,

Being your mommy is one of the greatest gifts ever. This year with you I got to live out lifelong dreams I've had. When other little kids talked about growing up to be doctors or lawyers or actresses, I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to spend my day with my child and do mommy and me classes. And we got to do a lot of them this year. We did swimming classes and gymnastics and lots of different library ones. It was so fun to watch how you changed through them. From the timid little boy who wouldn't leave my side to the kid who runs by me yelling "hi mommy!" as you're chasing a ball in gymnastics. I can't believe how much you've grown this year. And I am so grateful that I have the oppurtunity to spend every day with you. You are such a joy to me. From waking up in the morning listening to you on the monitor saying "mommy, are you?" to having you blow me kisses as daddy carries you into the bedroom after your bath. Every day is just so fun. Even your tantrums and power struggles.

I never knew love like this could exist. When you are happy, I am happy and when you feel pain I want to take it all from you. I want to keep you in the living room forever watching the movie Cars and protect you from mean little kids, and girls who won't love you back and bosses who won't see your potential. I want you to feel nothing but love as you grow. But I know that's not possible. As your mom and dad it's our job to raise you to be strong and wise and kind and to let you fly away and hope that we did it right. We want to raise you to know that the world won't always be a happy place, that hard times can sometime feel like they're around every corner you turn. And if we've done our job right then when those days come you'll hold your head up and keep walking forward, strong in the knowledge that the Lord is always with you and no matter how alone you may feel you're not.

Tomorrow is your second birthday and I just don't know where the time has gone. I miss the baby but the little kid you are becoming is just so awesome. I can't wait to watch you grow even more and see you one day become a man. I hope you're just like your daddy because he's the best man I know.

On this night before your birthday I have this prayer for you. I pray you always love with your whole heart, even if it gets broken. Never settle for someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them. Follow your dreams, wherever they may take you and know that a lot of times you have to fail before you get what you want. Sometimes the things that are harder to get are the most worthwhile. Working hard is the only way to get what you want, and if it's coming too easy perhaps it's not the right path. Love God always, although you may not understand all that He does, He will never let you down.

I love you Matthew, and I will always love you. No matter what you do or where you go you will always have a piece of my heart with you.

Happy birthday baby.
love,
Mommy.

We Ate at Moe's....

The events of July 4th and 5th 2007 are etched into my mind and will never be forgotten. We went to meet Sarah and Wayne to go down to Ocean City for the day like we did ever year. We were going to eat at Saladworks for lunch but they were closed for the holiday so we went to Moe's. The weather was bad so we didn't stay on the beach long and the fireworks were cancelled. After walking on the boardwalk for a little while we decided to leave.

We dropped them off home and checked into our hotel for the night. Hall and Oates were performing in Philly at the Welcome America celebration and we watched that and went to bed.

The next morning we woke up and had breakfast at the hotel and got ready to leave. I was wearing a green shirt and tan shorts. We stopped at the post office to mail something and then found a Saladworks to have lunch at.

Then it was time for our level II ultra sound appointment. "Do you want to find out?" the tech asked and we both answered her excitedly that yes we did. She worked for a while on Baby A, pointing out a heart, a lip, some toes. I remember while chatting with her it was on the tip of my tongue to say how fun this part of the job must be, to see these babies and let mommies and daddies know who was on the way. But I didn't say it. She went to look at Baby B and then quickly moved back to Baby A and said "let's see if we can see the gender first." She moved the wand around my belly and said "It's a boy!" Then she went to look at Baby B again. And then she got up and walked out of the room. Matt and I looked at each other wondering what was going on. She came back a few moments later with the dr and we knew something had gone horribly wrong. The dr moved the wand around for a few minutes searching and then turned to us and said..."I am so sorry...."

It was the first crumble of the eventual mountain of our lives that tumbled down that day. Yet I couldn't physically mourn. I had a healthy and growing little boy inside of me that I had to keep eating and resting and living for.

These next few days are such a roller coaster ride for me. I'm excited and happy and filled with love for Matthew and planning the fun of his birthday party and then very quickly I'm smacked in the face with the sharp, painful memory of all that we have lost. My eyes well up with tears both with the gratefulness of the healthy little boy who is almost two and also the emptiness that will never go away from the loss of his brother and sister.

I'm thankful for friends and family who remember the twins and know that in these coming days I need to be held a little closer for the ache of longing for those two lost little souls that will forever live inside my heart.

Wordless Wednesday--Grace

Matthew says grace with us at dinner, and he says extra grace for the food he's already put in his mouth while waiting for grace to be over.

Wordless Wednesday--The Kid Grabbed My Camera

This series of photos were taken by the short guy in the house. Please excuse his technique, he's still learning. :)





and a self-portrait

The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of

Yesterday was Father's Day and I planned a surprise for Matt a few months ago. If you know me at all you know that I am not a secret keeper. I once told Matt that when we have our next child maybe we'll keep their name to ourselves until they are born. He laughed so hard that he almost had to pull the car over. Somehow he didn't believe I could keep the secret that long.

But I was good, and kept this secret, and it was hard. I begged him all week to let me tell him. But I think he secretly enjoys the torture of me going crazy with a head full of surprises.

I woke up at 6:30 and tossed and turned until 7:30 when I heard Matthew in his room calling for us. I went in and got him ready to go give Matt his gift.

All ready to go!


Here you go dada!


Dada's surprise is we're going to an Ironpigs baseball game!


I had a small emotional moment walking into the stadium. Taking my child to a baseball game was one of the dreams lost when the twins passed away. So walking in with Matthew was a dream come true. Especially on Father's Day.

Matthew loved being there. He was so excited to see the player's throwing balls and kept going "ball!" everytime he would see one get thrown.




It was a good time! And afterwards we went for dinner at Red Robin where Matthew was a very good boy.

I've loved Matt for a long time, pretty much from the minute we met. And there are times when I fall in love all over again and still get those butterflies in my stomach. Watching him be Matthew's daddy is one of those times. I know moments like yesterday when he was taking his son to a ball game are big pride inducing moments. But every father/son moment Matt has with Matthew will always be tinged with the loss we've endured so it becomes that much more special. I'm very vocal in my feeling about our loss, and it seems more natural to comfort the mother of lost children and easier to forget the daddys who have lost their babies. But I don't forget, and never will. And Matt is the best daddy he could be...to all three of his children.

Facebook Made Me Do It

I know I've been horrible at blogging lately. And I could really kick myself for that. Writing has always been such a wonderful outlet for me and honestly it's part of what pulled me through after I lost the twins. I had an online journal on a message board and when the pain would be so intense that I felt like I would burst then I would post in my journal.

Anyway, I blame Facebook completely for my lack of journaling. With their dang ole easy photo uploader and the fact that I can link my facebook pictures into my online journal. I just don't upload to photobucket anymore. Especially since they got harder to use and all of their advertising makes it take forever to do anything. So anyway, here we are, June 19th and my last blog was almost a month ago.

So what have we been up to you ask? Oh lots of stuff. Life is good here in casa McMichael.

We've been sporting our shades to keep the sun out of our eyes.


We baked in the sun at an air show where Matthew proclaimed "oh wow! wook at that!"


We went swimming in the pool at Grammy and Pop-Pop's house. And Pop-Pop even came in with us!


And we've eaten lots of ice cream!


And had lemonade on the boardwalk!


And yummy Mack n Manco's pizza too!


We went strawberry picking...


...and eating.


We've also had lots of fun playdates (fun for Matthew too)!




Yep, it's been a good start to our summer. There's lots more excitement to come too! We have birthdays and of course vacation! We hope you're all having fun too!