A Blessed Day...

Sunday was a big day in the spiritual journey of our little man. It was the day he began his walk with God. I pray for my son every night. I pray for God to help us to be good parents to him and to lead him down the right path in life. And I pray that Matthew will always feel God's love and have faith that through Him he can do anything.

It was a wonderful day with us surrounded by family and friends in the church that I grew up attending and where Matt and I were married. He was christened by the minister that married us. He was sleeping as we went up there and awoke as the water was sprinkled on his head. And as the minister prayed over him he stared into his eyes as if somehow he knew what was going on.

I was proud of myself. I held it together until the minister started his prayer with "this has been a long awaited for child." With that one sentence my soul crumbled as the I was hit by the realization that through all of our strife in getting and staying pregnant I held on to my faith and here I was. With my son.

Some of you may know this, but most of you probably don't. A long time ago I had heard that if you want to ask God a question to ask your question out loud and flip through the bible and randomly stop. I stopped on the page that held the passage, "behold, for I shall give you a son." I remember my breath catching as I read it. And through all the disappointment of treatments that didn't work I held on to it. And here I am. With a living, breathing, perfectly healthy son.

God is good, my friends. God is good.

Letters to My Children

Dear Matthew,

A year ago yesterday mommy found out you were on your way to us. I was scared something would go wrong and so excited at the chance it would go right. I spent 38 weeks dreaming of your little face and all of the things I wanted to do with you. When my mind would wander and panic would fill my soul I would imagine holding you against me with your little legs tucked up underneath of you. I would imagine taking you into the pool at the house down in North Carolina with you being so tiny. Your Aunt Christi and I spent hours online looking for a bathing suit small enough for a little guy like you to wear. I would imagine your eyes, dark brown like mommy's. Imagine my surprise at the bright blue eyes that stare back at me each day.

All of those things I dreamed about and imagined came true. But last night when I couldn't sleep I started thinking about all of the little things I love about you now. Like how when you were so little, just a week old I would lay you on my chest and everytime your daddy or I would utter a sound you would lift your head up to try and find us. Or how you wake up in the morning so happy and playing and when I look over at you in your bassinette and you see me you break into the biggest smile. I love how when daddy is feeding you, you just stare at him. I love how you lay in your swing and turn your head towards the tv, letting the lights lull you to sleep. I love how when I give you a bath at night and run the washcloth under your neck you break out into giggles. You are definitely ticklish like your mommy. I love how when I sing to you the "bumblebee song" it makes you laugh and how you love to look at the pictures in the books we read to you.


I love that when I handed you the dinosaur we had bought for your brother you clung to it like it was your favorite thing in the world. And how whenever I talk about your big brother and sister to you you smile. I sometimes wonder if you can see them and know they are your special angels.

I could go on and on about all the things I love about you, the list is endless. You are my little lovey boy and I am so happy I am your mommy.

I love you forever and ever,
Mommy


Dear Daniel and Hope,

Mommy hasn't written to you in a while, please know that this in not due to a lack of thinking of you. I think of you every day and wonder how different our life would be if daddy and I had three little ones running around this house. As you know your little brother is here. He is 4 months old now. It's amazing how quick this is all going. I wonder if you both would have looked like him. I know from pictures of you that you and him inherited mommy's big feet. Sorry about that. Matthew's christening is Sunday and I know you will be there watching over all of us. We see you every day, in the hot air balloons that fly over our house, butterflies that go by the living room window, the smiles that Matthew gets as he's seeing things in the air. I am proud to be your mommy too and will love you all the days of my life. You couldn't stay with us and we are not meant to understand why, but you are in some awesome hands in heaven. I'm sure your grandparents and great-grandparents and Aunt Cathy just love on you all the time for me. You are not alone there and that gives me great peace.

I love you forever and ever too,
Mommy.

Happy 4 Months Little Guy!

Four months have gone by so quick! I can still remember the day he was born so clearly. Okay so maybe not the day he was born since I was in and out of sleep all day after 3 days of labor, but I definitley remember the next day and when I finally got to see the little face I had been dreaming about for so long.

Here's a quick picture comparison:

His alligator at 2 months



3 months



4 months

Okay, so it's been a while

As time often does, it goes by quick! I've been busy getting my house ready for our company we have coming over Thanksgiving. Matt's brother and family are flying up from Texas and will be meeting the baby for the first time! I'm so excited for the baby to finally meet his cousin!

Besides that going on we're getting ready for Matthew's Christening on the 16th.

To make up for it I have a lot of pictures and some video to share!

My cute little studmuffin


Last night he found his feet (video of this to follow)


A grumpy face boy


I like talking to daddy


My new hat is SO cute!


And some video.

This was last night. He started scratching at his bassinette and it took me a while to figure out what the noise was. Imagine hearing it for the first time at 2 in the morning!



Laughing at mommy scaring him.


Talking with mommy.

A Hearty Laugh

Tonight after bath time Matt was playing with the baby on the bed. He was pretending the dinosaur on his jammies was biting his hand. Matthew started laughing out loud so hard! It was his first laugh directed at us because of something we've done.

When he was first born we existed to him solely as the people who fed and changed him, and now we've also taken on the role as entertainer. A role which we gladly accept.

The Purple Box

Today is pregnancy and infant loss rememberence day. At 7:00 pm woman across the country will be lighting candles in honor of their little ones. Not that a day goes by that we don't remember our losses, but it's nice to have a day that is set aside for it.

On the morning of July 12th I was being wheeled out of the hospital, a purple box in my lap, my eyes were cast downward to avoid seeing all the happy families with their new babies. I didn't have a baby, I had a box...

The day we found out that one of our twins didn't make it was one of the most bittersweet days of my life. In one breath we found out we lost our sweet Baby B while in the next breath we found out Baby A was a healthy boy. Shell-shocked would be a good word to describe it.

I had to go on and move forward, I had a little boy on the way and he needed his mommy to be strong.

Five days after we found that out I started having contractions that I thought was just a backache. When I went to the OB I was immediately sent to the hospital. Walking down the hall to the nurses station we passed a woman and a baby leaving to go home. I was instantly struck by the realization that I would not be leaving the hospital with a baby.

Not long after that my fears were confirmed as our doctor, with tears streaming down her face and the beat of my sons heart on the monitor behind us said that I was in full labor, it couldn't be stopped, and he would not survive more than a few minutes if he survived at all.

Devestated. How could this have happened to us? How did we struggle through infertility to finally be blessed with twins only to now be losing the one that survived? We quickly made the decision to move forward with the induction. No sense putting off the inevitable.

We were asked if we wanted them baptized and without hesitation said yes. Then we realized we needed to name them. I wanted biblical names and instantly the name Daniel came to me. There was a little boy in my class a few years ago who had been diagnosed with brain cancer whose name was Daniel and I remembered the story of Daniel and the Lion's Den with him, he's Cancer free now, by the way. When I said the name out loud to Matt he grabbed my hand and we cried. We went with Hope for Baby B even though we didn't know the sex. All along the twins had been "faith" and "hope" to us and we wanted to stick with it.

The day went along and right before Daniel was born I was so scared I asked the nurse to pray with us and she did. She said beautiful words asking God to help us to know we were good parents to Daniel and Hope and to be there for us in our time of need. I felt God in that room that day. It was the worst day of my life, yet I felt a small little light inside of me. The light of God letting me know He was there and I was not alone.

The next day the nurse came in with the only proof that my babies ever existed. There were some pictures, footprints, little hospital bands and some commemorative birth certificates. That box is one of my most prized possessions.

Looking back on that day and the first few days that followed I am proud of my strength. I'm not sure how I did it except to say that you find the strength you need when you need it. You pull it out of your toes and you find it in the strength of the woman who walked through that fire before you. You take it from everybody around you until you can stand up on your own.

I am a better mommy to Matthew because of them. I have been taught the importance of loving every moment and being attentive to every blink of his eye of being grateful for every breath.

I ask you when you read this today to say a prayer for Daniel and Hope and for the babies of my dear friends. Our lives are forever changed by their tiny footprints.


Footprints

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
Never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant,
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all,
these tiny footprints,
are found on mommy's heart.
Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll NEVER truly part.

Author Unknown.

Matthew Voices His Opinion On Tummy Time