If Our Journey Had Been Easy We Wouldn't Have You

HONK!!!!

2011-04-13T19:55:00.000-04:00

If you've spent ten minutes with Matthew you know he loves the movie Cars. For Christmas he got a set of tractors and of course he has all of the Cars characters so we spent the day re-enacting the scene from the movie where Mater and McQueen scare the tractors and they fall over. Everytime the tractors would fall down he would squeal "do it again! do it again!"

He took them to nap with him and had them lay next to him on the pillow.

Lining up the tractors...they have no idea what's coming...poor innocent tractors, just workin' the fields and doing their jobs.

HONK!!!

Poor tractors...

In other news. One great thing about our development is that we can walk into town to the park, the ice cream store, the library, the ice cream store, a walking trail...the ice cream store.

Spoons are just in the way.

Ice cream cheese!

Jingle All The Way

2011-01-01T14:01:00.002-05:00

Matthew has taken a liking to Christmas songs. In fact he sings them all day long. As the season closes and we return to regular music I thought I better catch him singing on video before he forgets.

Enjoy!

The Year in Review

2010-12-31T23:25:00.000-05:00

The days are long but the years are short. I've read that somewhere before although I'm not sure where. They are words that resonate with me. As I sit here mourning the passing of the holidays and anxiously awaiting the next big fun event in our lives I force myself to stop and remember that life is made up of more than the holidays, birthdays and trips that pass us by. Life is the day to day. The breakfasts and dinners, the errands we run and the seemingly endless playing and story reading. It's in the fine details of daily life that memories are made.

This last year was a good one. We started off with a blizzard (or two) and Matthew had fun in the snow.

In March we went out to Pittsburgh and visited Matt's old family home. His parents moved away from their a few years ago and going back brought back a lot of memories. We took Matthew to his first hockey game and one of the last ones in the old Mellon Arena.

April brought us the first of one of our many trips to the beach. Fortunately for all of us Matthew was more enthused as the beach season went on. The first one didn't go so well.

As a surprise for daddy for Father's Day we went to a Lehigh Valley Ironpigs game! Matthew had a blast and loved to watch baseball, even if it was a super hot day.

Fourth of July found us in Ocean City, NJ with Sarah and Wayne which is our yearly tradition. Weather was beautiful and the beach and boardwalk was packed! It took us forever to get home but it was still a great day!

July 9th came, as it does every year, and this year our little baby turned two and became less and less like a baby. I busied myself with his party and all the celebration to keep my mind off the fact that like I said earlier, those years go by so fast.

Following Matthew's birthday was our third year of life without the twins. They're always in our hearts and never far from our minds and to celebrate them we released balloons at Matthew's party. We also let Matthew make an animal at Build a Bear.

In August came an always anticipated time of year, our annual trip to the Outer Banks. This year was an amazing time with friends and we are looking forward to next year's trip. One of the biggest highlights from last vacation is that Matthew learned to swim! He was so proud of himself and was a little fishy.

This place...this place heals my soul.

This kid? Yeah, he heals my soul too...

Summer was full of all sorts of fun. Beach trips, strawberry picking, going to the zoo and playing with Pop-pop.

The fall was a lot of fun too. We visited State College, PA where Matthew informed us not only was he going to school there, he was taking the bus. We got to meet Matthew's great-great Aunt's, which was a real treat!

In November we went to the airport and picked up our beloved cousin Andy along with Uncle Jim and Aunt Charla. Matthew loved having Andy here and still talks about him a lot. We had a lot of fun. We visited DC, went to a lights festival, celebrated Grammy and Pop-pop's 50th Wedding Anniversary as well as Pop-pop's birthday! We also went to see the Liberty Bell and just spent some good time together. It was sad dropping them off at the airport and we miss them.

The holidays were busy as holidays tend to be. We went to Kozair's Christmas Village and our annual trip out to Hershey park. We spent time with family and friends and were blessed by the life that we live. Matthew had an awesome Christmas. He was slightly overwhelmed but had a blast opening all of his gifts.

It's been a wonderful year. I hope and pray this next year is just as fulfilling. And fun. And I hope all of you have a wonderful year as well.

Goodbye 2010!

2010-12-31T16:24:00.000-05:00

2010 was a great year for our family full of lots of fun an adventures. I wish I had been better at blogging about them all but that does not good because as the old saying goes, you can't turn back time.

It is part of my new year's goals to be better with blogging in the next year. One day soon I'll catch you all up on what's been going on here. We had a great holiday and have spent a fun week together. Matt's company closes between Christmas and New Year's so he's getting lots of good quality time with us. He even said the other night after putting Matthew to bed that he has a new respect for me after dealing with an energetic two year old all day. Not that Matthew is a bad kid but he is two which seems to be a constant battle between need need need and "I do it yaself!" (which is how Matthew says he would prefer to do things on his own.

Well that's all the time I have for now. We are having a little party tonight, just the three of us. We're going to make party foods and play some games and celebrate all the good that came this year while looking forward to all the blessings our way in the new year! This year our family has a wedding and someone (no, not me) is expecting a baby!! But that's not my news to share.

In closing I'll leave you with this saying from Edith Lovejoy Pierce: "We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day."

God bless you all and I hope you all have an amazing 2011!

Portrait of a Birthday Party

2010-11-19T11:28:00.000-05:00

Okay so if you thought the Halloween post was late, wait until you read this one! Yep, I'm posting pictures from his Birthday party, teehee. It was a wonderful day and I just wanted to share.

We woke up that morning and the rain that was a threat was delivering as promised. Oh boy, it was a torrential down pour. Not good for the birthday party that was being set up outside! Fortunately at noon the clouds parted and the rain stopped! About that time Sarah and Wayne, David and Jessica and Mary got there and I pretty much shut down. Through all the work and worry I was just done. They all stepped in and got the rest of it pulled together along with Christi who showed up not too long afterwards.

So the year of one is gone, along with the party and we are well in to the year of being two (and yeah, maybe thinking of next year's party), but here are the pictures anyway! Enjoy!!

Happy Halloween!

2010-11-19T11:06:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I'm about a month late on this, but I come bearing a few cute pictures if that helps. Life has just gotten busy and I really regret not being better about blogging. I love reading back over this blog and seeing how much we've all grown as a family.

So to catch you up on all the happenings in our home...

We went to the zoo...

and squeezed the last drops of warmth out of the summer...

We went to Hershey Park with Sarah and Wayne and had a lot of fun!

One weekend we went out to Altoona and Matthew finally got to meet his great great Aunts Betty and Marie!

On the way home from there we stopped at Penn State...Matthew told us he was going to take the bus there.

We did the obligatory pumpkin patch where Matthew surprised us by going on this giant slide.

He loved helping to pick out the pumpkins this year.

Halloween was touch and go since any previous attempt at wearing his costume resulted in a monkey meltdown.

All the time I spent telling him that if he wanted candy he had to wear his costume must have made an impression because as Halloween arrived and I asked him if he was ready to wear his costume he shocked us all by saying, "yes."

Pay no attention to the lollipop in his hand. Hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

So there you have it, our fall. Next week is sure to bring lots of fun and adventures as we go to the airport tomorrow to pick up Matt's brother and his family! We're so excited and can't wait to have some good family time together!

If I don't get back here before (which lets face it I won't) from our family to yours...Happy Thanksgiving!

Ugh, I Did It Again

2010-10-07T14:49:00.002-04:00

We've been busy enjoying life and haven't been posting here. I really need to be better about it. To make up for it here's a video of Matthew playing with his train set. It's a long one but worth it if you wait until the end!

His Future's So Bright (Wordless Wednesday)

2010-09-08T11:39:00.002-04:00

He's gotta wear shades!

And Time Marches On

2010-09-06T16:20:00.004-04:00

When Matthew was five months old we realized it was time to get him a high chair.

He was so tiny you can barely see him sitting in it! He enjoyed his new view of the world and loved being able to sit with us while we ate dinner.

In April, as we were decorating rice krispie treat eggs for Easter, we took what would be the last picture of him in his highchair. He had decided soon after that big boys sit at the table and never went back.

I'm not sure why we kept it around so long after that. Part laziness, part denial. Today we decided to pack it away to make room for Santa and the (K-I-T-C-H-E-N) that he's bringing him for Christmas.

These moments are always so bittersweet. There may be another baby that uses the highchair someday, but there won't be another baby Matthew that uses it.

Here's Matthew standing with daddy before he took it out to his car to take to storage.

Bye high chair!

Watch the Wind Go By

2010-08-27T21:25:00.001-04:00

Listen to this.

I heard it tonight while we were at dinner. And it made me fall in love with Matt again. I love him. I've always loved him and I always will love him. But every once in a while in our busy, every day lives something triggers a feeling in me and I fall all over again. Just like the first moment I saw him in the mall and knew I had come "home." And like the moment I laid in his arms as the life we had known lay in a heap at our feet after we lost the twins and knew that no matter how devestated I felt, I was not alone. And like the moment I first saw him hold Matthew.

Not all the moments are big monumental ones. Some are small but they're still special. One weekend when I was still in school and we were visiting his parent's house when they lived in Pittsburgh, I had been up late the night before hand writing a paper since it was before laptops existed in our home and when I woke up the next morning and came downstairs he had typed up my paper for me.

At dinner, rising above the crowd noise I heard this song. And it brought me back to our life before children. Before loss. Before toddlers. It's hard to remember times like that existed. I love my life, and the chaos that children bring, but it's nice to fall again every now and then. To be brought back to the center of what our family is. And dream of the day when Matthew is off in his own home with his own family and Matt and I are old and rocking on our porch. When we have all the time in the world for each other again instead of just stolen moments after Matthew goes to bed.

I love him.

Where Have I Been?

2010-08-25T20:29:00.000-04:00

Gosh, it's been a month since I've been here! Wow! Where have I been?

Oh yeah, here:

And going there took a lot of preparation to get ready. And we were there for two weeks. And then there was the week of depression when I got back. Anyway, I'm back and I promise to do better.

Check Out Our New Duds!

2010-07-25T16:00:00.000-04:00

So I was kind of forced to redesign the blog when my old background disappeared, but I am in love. Blogger added all kinds of new features to design with and it was a lot of fun picking a new look! I hope you enjoy it and I hope it gets me blogging more!!

A Few New Videos

2010-07-21T14:40:00.000-04:00

Matthew has had quite the imagination lately! He just amazes us!

Here's a few videos I took of him this morning.

We're busy busy here in the McMichael family. We leave for our annual trek down to the Outer Banks in a little over a week and we are so excited! Enjoy these videos!

AWESOME!

2010-07-12T15:22:00.002-04:00

When I wasn't looking at his birthday party somebody taught Matthew a new trick. Luckily it's a cute one.

Check it out!

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

2010-07-11T20:27:00.001-04:00

Dear Daniel and Hope,

Three years ago today we let you go. As the time has passed it has gotten easier to deal with the loss of you but on this day my heart still breaks, my mind stuck on that day. I can smell the hospital and remember the tears from doctors and nurses who were with us. I can still hear the minister who baptized you crying in the room next to us. Three years out of your loss I wish I had been there when it happened, but I wasn't strong enough then.

The day we lost you was the saddest day of my life. And that day stretched into weeks and out of your loss came the strength to try again and because of that strength we have your brother.

But make no mistake about it, you made me a mother. And for that I am forever grateful.

I will forever love you and forever miss you.

Love,
your mommy

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-e.e. cummings

Another Trip Around The Sun

2010-07-08T22:06:00.000-04:00

Dear Matthew,

Being your mommy is one of the greatest gifts ever. This year with you I got to live out lifelong dreams I've had. When other little kids talked about growing up to be doctors or lawyers or actresses, I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to spend my day with my child and do mommy and me classes. And we got to do a lot of them this year. We did swimming classes and gymnastics and lots of different library ones. It was so fun to watch how you changed through them. From the timid little boy who wouldn't leave my side to the kid who runs by me yelling "hi mommy!" as you're chasing a ball in gymnastics. I can't believe how much you've grown this year. And I am so grateful that I have the oppurtunity to spend every day with you. You are such a joy to me. From waking up in the morning listening to you on the monitor saying "mommy, are you?" to having you blow me kisses as daddy carries you into the bedroom after your bath. Every day is just so fun. Even your tantrums and power struggles.

I never knew love like this could exist. When you are happy, I am happy and when you feel pain I want to take it all from you. I want to keep you in the living room forever watching the movie Cars and protect you from mean little kids, and girls who won't love you back and bosses who won't see your potential. I want you to feel nothing but love as you grow. But I know that's not possible. As your mom and dad it's our job to raise you to be strong and wise and kind and to let you fly away and hope that we did it right. We want to raise you to know that the world won't always be a happy place, that hard times can sometime feel like they're around every corner you turn. And if we've done our job right then when those days come you'll hold your head up and keep walking forward, strong in the knowledge that the Lord is always with you and no matter how alone you may feel you're not.

Tomorrow is your second birthday and I just don't know where the time has gone. I miss the baby but the little kid you are becoming is just so awesome. I can't wait to watch you grow even more and see you one day become a man. I hope you're just like your daddy because he's the best man I know.

On this night before your birthday I have this prayer for you. I pray you always love with your whole heart, even if it gets broken. Never settle for someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them. Follow your dreams, wherever they may take you and know that a lot of times you have to fail before you get what you want. Sometimes the things that are harder to get are the most worthwhile. Working hard is the only way to get what you want, and if it's coming too easy perhaps it's not the right path. Love God always, although you may not understand all that He does, He will never let you down.

I love you Matthew, and I will always love you. No matter what you do or where you go you will always have a piece of my heart with you.

Happy birthday baby.
love,
Mommy.

We Ate at Moe's....

2010-07-05T18:41:00.000-04:00

The events of July 4th and 5th 2007 are etched into my mind and will never be forgotten. We went to meet Sarah and Wayne to go down to Ocean City for the day like we did ever year. We were going to eat at Saladworks for lunch but they were closed for the holiday so we went to Moe's. The weather was bad so we didn't stay on the beach long and the fireworks were cancelled. After walking on the boardwalk for a little while we decided to leave.

We dropped them off home and checked into our hotel for the night. Hall and Oates were performing in Philly at the Welcome America celebration and we watched that and went to bed.

The next morning we woke up and had breakfast at the hotel and got ready to leave. I was wearing a green shirt and tan shorts. We stopped at the post office to mail something and then found a Saladworks to have lunch at.

Then it was time for our level II ultra sound appointment. "Do you want to find out?" the tech asked and we both answered her excitedly that yes we did. She worked for a while on Baby A, pointing out a heart, a lip, some toes. I remember while chatting with her it was on the tip of my tongue to say how fun this part of the job must be, to see these babies and let mommies and daddies know who was on the way. But I didn't say it. She went to look at Baby B and then quickly moved back to Baby A and said "let's see if we can see the gender first." She moved the wand around my belly and said "It's a boy!" Then she went to look at Baby B again. And then she got up and walked out of the room. Matt and I looked at each other wondering what was going on. She came back a few moments later with the dr and we knew something had gone horribly wrong. The dr moved the wand around for a few minutes searching and then turned to us and said..."I am so sorry...."

It was the first crumble of the eventual mountain of our lives that tumbled down that day. Yet I couldn't physically mourn. I had a healthy and growing little boy inside of me that I had to keep eating and resting and living for.

These next few days are such a roller coaster ride for me. I'm excited and happy and filled with love for Matthew and planning the fun of his birthday party and then very quickly I'm smacked in the face with the sharp, painful memory of all that we have lost. My eyes well up with tears both with the gratefulness of the healthy little boy who is almost two and also the emptiness that will never go away from the loss of his brother and sister.

I'm thankful for friends and family who remember the twins and know that in these coming days I need to be held a little closer for the ache of longing for those two lost little souls that will forever live inside my heart.

Wordless Wednesday--Grace

2010-06-30T22:06:00.000-04:00

Matthew says grace with us at dinner, and he says extra grace for the food he's already put in his mouth while waiting for grace to be over.

Wordless Wednesday--The Kid Grabbed My Camera

2010-06-23T22:02:00.000-04:00

This series of photos were taken by the short guy in the house. Please excuse his technique, he's still learning. :)

and a self-portrait

The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of

2010-06-21T16:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Father's Day and I planned a surprise for Matt a few months ago. If you know me at all you know that I am not a secret keeper. I once told Matt that when we have our next child maybe we'll keep their name to ourselves until they are born. He laughed so hard that he almost had to pull the car over. Somehow he didn't believe I could keep the secret that long.

But I was good, and kept this secret, and it was hard. I begged him all week to let me tell him. But I think he secretly enjoys the torture of me going crazy with a head full of surprises.

I woke up at 6:30 and tossed and turned until 7:30 when I heard Matthew in his room calling for us. I went in and got him ready to go give Matt his gift.

All ready to go!

Here you go dada!

Dada's surprise is we're going to an Ironpigs baseball game!

I had a small emotional moment walking into the stadium. Taking my child to a baseball game was one of the dreams lost when the twins passed away. So walking in with Matthew was a dream come true. Especially on Father's Day.

Matthew loved being there. He was so excited to see the player's throwing balls and kept going "ball!" everytime he would see one get thrown.

It was a good time! And afterwards we went for dinner at Red Robin where Matthew was a very good boy.

I've loved Matt for a long time, pretty much from the minute we met. And there are times when I fall in love all over again and still get those butterflies in my stomach. Watching him be Matthew's daddy is one of those times. I know moments like yesterday when he was taking his son to a ball game are big pride inducing moments. But every father/son moment Matt has with Matthew will always be tinged with the loss we've endured so it becomes that much more special. I'm very vocal in my feeling about our loss, and it seems more natural to comfort the mother of lost children and easier to forget the daddys who have lost their babies. But I don't forget, and never will. And Matt is the best daddy he could be...to all three of his children.

Facebook Made Me Do It

2010-06-19T22:38:00.000-04:00

I know I've been horrible at blogging lately. And I could really kick myself for that. Writing has always been such a wonderful outlet for me and honestly it's part of what pulled me through after I lost the twins. I had an online journal on a message board and when the pain would be so intense that I felt like I would burst then I would post in my journal.

Anyway, I blame Facebook completely for my lack of journaling. With their dang ole easy photo uploader and the fact that I can link my facebook pictures into my online journal. I just don't upload to photobucket anymore. Especially since they got harder to use and all of their advertising makes it take forever to do anything. So anyway, here we are, June 19th and my last blog was almost a month ago.

So what have we been up to you ask? Oh lots of stuff. Life is good here in casa McMichael.

We've been sporting our shades to keep the sun out of our eyes.

We baked in the sun at an air show where Matthew proclaimed "oh wow! wook at that!"

We went swimming in the pool at Grammy and Pop-Pop's house. And Pop-Pop even came in with us!

And we've eaten lots of ice cream!

And had lemonade on the boardwalk!

And yummy Mack n Manco's pizza too!

We went strawberry picking...

...and eating.

We've also had lots of fun playdates (fun for Matthew too)!

Yep, it's been a good start to our summer. There's lots more excitement to come too! We have birthdays and of course vacation! We hope you're all having fun too!

The Definition of Summer to Me

2010-05-26T22:25:00.000-04:00

If I were in school right now and had to do an essay on what the definition of summer was to me it would go a little something like this:

Summer to me is bare feet squished in grass...

...sticky fingers clutching a fudgesicle...

...following a bug and trying to pick it up...

...running away from mama's taking pictures...

...being splashed by daddy's with hoses...

...getting messy and having fun without a care in the world.

That's what summer is to me.

A Few New Videos

2010-05-25T20:02:00.000-04:00

I have a few videos to post of Matthew!

talking about animals.

playing in his new water table

and giving us some pre-dinner entertainment

Enjoy!

Happy Birthday Daddy!

2010-05-24T15:59:00.000-04:00

Friday was Matt's 30th birthday! Okay, not 30, more like 35, whatever, they're just numbers. Matthew and I spent all week getting ready. Finding just the right gift and planning a fun day. We snuck out of our library class early to go pick up lunch and meet daddy at the park! So fun! Matthew just loves carrying his lunch box around and is so excited when he finds lunch in it.

After the park we came home and I spent the afternoon decorating Matt's cake. I wanted to try my hand at making a fondant rolled cake. My mom always made my birthday party cakes when I was growing up and it's something I want to do for Matthew. I figure it was just us for Matt's birthday so if it didn't turn out well nobody would be the wiser. Fortunately for me, it turned out nice!

The picture makes it look a little crooked, it wasn't in person.

Matthew picked out the candles.

When it came time to sing "Happy Birthday" Matthew was a little upset. You see he has the meanest mommy and daddy ever and we wouldn't let him bang on the cake like a drum. I know, I know, how haven't we had him taken from us by child protective services?

All was forgotten once the cake was cut.

The next day we went on a little adventure over to the North Jersey Shore. It was a fun day, well all except for one moment of sheer humiliation thanks to the toddler terror. But that's for another blog post.

Wordless Wednesday-A Boy and His Dog

2010-05-12T14:41:00.001-04:00

Here's Matthew, having a chat with his Aunt Christi's dog Roxy. He was telling her all the colors on his toy and she was listening to him so patiently.

Reflections

2010-05-11T18:27:00.001-04:00

Sunday was Mother's Day and we had a great day here. We went to breakfast and went and bought flowers and came home to spend the day together. After a couple toddler meltdowns I ended up feeling like a pretty crappy mom after making him cry so hysterically. It's all a part of the process of learning that life isn't a free ride and if you take out your toys you have to pick them back up. Tough lessons for an almost two year old.

We made up before bedtime and got some cuddles in. Then after Matt and I had settled downstairs for the night he started to cry. I took the oppurtunity to go up and snuggle some more. I sang to him "skidamarinkydinkydink" and "you are my sunshine" and felt him snuggle in tighter against me. I looked into his sweet little face and said "Matthew, thank you for giving me a Mother's Day. I love you" and he looked back at me and said, "cankake...blabla" which for those of you who don't speak Matthew is "pancake and banana". Yep, he put in his breakfast order. Oh well. Can't win them all.

Come on kid, take a picture with your momma!

Seriously just one picture!

Yeah, yeah, it's super cute when you look at me like that, but I WANT A PICTURE WITH YOU!!

Oh fine, I love you too Booger.

Green

2010-05-02T20:53:00.000-04:00

Matthew is growing up very quickly. And as these days start to blend one into the other there are some Matthew-isms I want to write down before I forget.

*He calls crayons "green" which sounds like "cweem". He knows a lot of his colors but anything that you can write with is a "cweem."

*Instead of saying "where" he says "eeee". As in "eeee da-da?" which, in case you don't speak Matthew means, "mother, would you happen to know where father is?" Every weekday morning when we come downstairs he walks around going "eeee da-da? Da-da, air aww you?"

*When he wants you to pick him up he says, "come heyah" and if you ask him to come to you he says "wait...wait."

*In the car he now plays the "up" game. He'll from the back command "mommy? Up!" and then I have to put my arms straight in the air and say "up!" After I do it he then says "da-da? Up!" And Matt has to do it. Repeat this game ten million times.

*His favorite show is "The Fresh Beat Band." The song I linked he dances to and tries to imitate the moves.

*If you ask him anything the answer is usually "nyo" Like, "Matthew, did mommy make you a good lunch?" "Nyo."

*Today we were standing in line at Starbucks where I was treating myself to a caramel frappachino and he spied a cookie in the case. He said "mommy? Dat cookie?" and I told him that it was and asked if he wanted one and he said "cookie, pwease!" So of course he got the cookie. That's not a habit I want to really encourage but it was the first time he specifically asked for something that he saw.

*Along that line I ask him everyday what he wants for lunch and most days his answer is "mem" and "cheeeeeese" Mem=bread, again for those of you not fluent in Matthew.

That's all for now, I'm sure I'll have more another time. The way he interprets the world around him is just so fun to watch. I love this little boy endlessly.

Oh No We're Stuck!

2010-04-20T15:39:00.000-04:00

Last weekend we went to visit Matt's parents. Since I crave the beach anytime I'm within 45 minutes from it on Friday we went to Rehobeth to have lunch on the boardwalk and feel the sand beneath our toes.

Last summer Matthew loved the beach. He loved digging in the sand, playing and throwing it and even went through the rite of passage of eating it. So call us surprised when we stepped onto the sand and he started fussing. He stopped walking and reached his little arms in the air saying "up!" I picked him up and kept going forward and we stopped after getting off the drop-off that had built up through the winter storms. I put him down and even sat with him but he just wasn't having it.

He kept saying "boad-wak...boad-wak" and even exclaimed "Oh no we're stuck!"

Does this look like the face of a guy who's having fun?

Oh no, he's losing his footing!

Oh my God there's sand on my hands!

However shall I carry on?

Daddy...fix it...

He better find his love for the beach again or it's going to be a long summer for him.

One Last Appeal

2010-04-20T13:48:00.001-04:00

Our walk is this Sunday so I'm posting one more time our letter to family and friends. Please help us if you can!

Last year with the help of family and friends we raised $1200 for the March of Dimes!! The time has come around for us to ask for your help again. It's an important cause for us. Most of you know our story by now. In March of 2007 we found out we were expecting twins. We knew that they would change our world but we never imagined how. When I went into labor after finding out we had already lost one of the twins I was way too early for our son to have a chance. I can remember very clearly the fear I had as we walked toward the Labor and Delivery ward of the hospital. Ignoring the gut feeling I had and hoping beyond hope that the dr's would be able to save our son. That I would be put on bedrest and told to take it easy until I could get far enough in the pregnancy for him to be born. I listened to his heartbeat over the monitor and tried to convince myself it was all going to be okay. A few minutes later we found out how wrong we were as our dr, with tears streaming down her face, told us that I was in labor and nothing could stop it. I gave birth not long after to our son who would never utter a sound. Who passed silently on without ever knowing the warmth of my arms. An hour later his sister, who had passed in utero a couple weeks before was also born. Nothing could have saved my babies. But the work done by the March of Dimes has spared countless mothers and fathers from the empty arms Matt and I live with every day.

Last July 9th Matthew turned one. We took him to the aquarium and had a cookie monster cake and two days later threw a big party with our family to celebrate that first year of his life. But there was a day sandwiched in between that was a little more subdued. It was the two year anniversary of the twins' passing. We still celebrated the mark the twins left on our life. We took Matthew to Build-a-Bear where he made a teddy bear with two hearts put inside of it. I'm happy to say that the bear made that day has become Matthew's constant companion. It is a tradition we plan to keep up through Matthew's childhood.

This year I am already planning Matthew's 2nd birthday. Choosing a theme and deciding on a cake. Figuring out what his invitation will look like. But I can't do that for my twins. So I'm doing what I can do. Raising money for the March of Dimes so they can provide medical help to pregnant women, technology to save babies born too soon, and support for the parents who sit night after night by incubators in the NICU. Our life crumbled at our feet on July 11, 2007. The people we were before their loss were gone and we had to figure out how to pick up and move forward. Doing this walk helps us to heal, to feel as if we're doing something for our children who are not here. We're doing our part to make sure our twins' all too short lives were not in vain. That their memory lives on.

Will you help us? I know times are tough and it's hard to be asked to donate money if it's something you don't have. So I understand if you can't give too much, or anything at all. And I appreciate you taking the time to read my story.

Our team is called Matthew's Angels. Because Daniel and Hope are always looking out for him. Losing them created the path that brought Matthew into our lives. I will always ache to have them here and see Matthew grow up with them. But that's not the journey we're on. But we can do our part to help other little brothers and sisters not grow up alone.

You can donate to our team by going to the web page below:
http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1312966

Dyeing Easter Eggs!

2010-04-02T22:35:00.000-04:00

This morning we dyed Easter eggs! Matthew had a lot of fun with it! He quickly got the hang of tossing the eggs in the cup of dye.

Not soon after we started we decided to lose the shirt.

He didn't have much patience for waiting for the dye to set in.

And then he ended up getting mad and crying at us when we wouldn't let him run around the house with the cups of dye. But I still think he had fun!

Okay, So It's Been A While

2010-04-01T23:11:00.001-04:00

Wow! I haven't posted at all in March! Where did that month go? It's been busy around here.

Sarah and I started our own business and actually had a pretty great month of sales! I'm so proud of us and think we are definitely going places. You can check out our shop www.sundaygirlsdesigns.com It just takes you to our etsy shop but in time we plan to have that website up and running so you can actualy purchase from it!

In Matthew news he's been busy as well.

Ornery as ever (I think he gets that from Matt)

He is still such a joy and brings love and laughter to us everyday!

He had his first ice cream of the spring! We found a fun new ice cream shop that has cones just his size.

Matthew is also working on learning words. It's pretty fun now that he can have a conversation with us. Conversations with Matthew go like this:

Mommy: "Matthew is your belly hungry?"
Matthew, looking at his belly, "no"

Mommy: "Matthew are you a big boy?"
Matthew: "No."

Mommy: "Matthew are you going to have fun at gymnastics today?"
Matthew: "No."

See the theme here? Although he did tell me the other day, "Oh wook! Was dat I see?"

It hasn't been all fun and games though. Matthew for a couple weeks started a new trick of putting his fingers in his ears.

We weren't sure if it was just a new trick or if his ear was hurting. One day he woke up with a fever of 102.3 so I called the dr. Sure enough we had our first ear infection. Poor little guy. He actually just started his second dose of antibiotics because the first time around it didn't quite get cleared up. Here he was the day of his fever.

He's also been working on his potty skills. He never liked to sit on the potty seat so we moved the seat onto the actual toilet and now he sits on there almost every night. We have a book with a toilet flushing sound effect that he sits and reads while he practices. No pee-pees in the potty yet but he has learned to say the word penis!

He got his first big boy haircut and boy what a difference it has made! He looks so cute with his spikey hair.

St. Patrick's Day came and went and Matthew looked cute as always.

And later that night I got a glimpse into my future after I snapped a picture that I captioned "get out of my face, mother."

We went out to Pittsburgh for a weekend to go to a Penguins game. It was a lot of fun and a little bittersweet for Matt to take his son to a Penguins game when he had fond memories of going with his dad as a little boy.

Matthew had trouble staying awake during the game. He didn't sleep well the night before.

He perked up after his nap and had fun. He especially loved the Penguins' Mascot Iceburgh.

Isn't he the cutest little goalie ever?

He got in lots of good chats with his Uncle Rob too!

Last weekend Matthew got a new bike! He thinks it's so much fun!

We've also been working on trying to raise money for the March of Dimes and gearing up for our walk on April 25th. So far our team has $190! If you'd like to donate you can click the MOD banner on the right side of the blog! I also need to get rid of the hearts. Hopefully this week.

Well I think that's all from here for last month. Hopefully April will bring me some more time to update!

A Few New Videos

2010-02-27T20:44:00.000-05:00

Here's a few videos of Matthew. He's talking in them and spells his name in one (M-A-T-H) and counts. And he sings "The Wheels On The Bus" in one.

Has Anyone Seen My Little Baby?

2010-02-21T15:47:00.001-05:00

Has anyone seen my little baby?

I know he used to be around here somewhere.

Just the other day he was here...I remember so clearly him laying in his swing.

Hmmm...I must be remembering wrong.

Two for...Wednesday?

2010-02-17T15:51:00.000-05:00

Anyway, I have a video, which I know you all love. It's something I want to forever remember. Matthew says "balala" for "banana" and this morning I got it on video!

This is our morning routine. He runs into the kitchen and looks for bananas. God help us if there are none there. I talked about temper tantrums in my last post and that's the tip of the iceberg if there's no balalas in the house!

Anyway, enjoy! I believe you'll spot a couple signs in there if you pay attention! (hint--"eat" and "more")

Perspective.

2010-02-17T09:59:00.002-05:00

It's happened. My perfect, lovely little boy has hit the toddler stage. He is in the phase of he wants to do it so he's going to. Whether that's taking pictures frames down, unsetting the dinner table right after I've set it or climbing on the end table from the couch as he's doing as I type this...{pause}...okay I'm back. As his mom and dad we have to decide which battles are worth fighting. The picture frames are no big deal, neither is fighting him to keep a hat on when we leave the house, he's the one that will have a cold head, not me. Climbing on the table is a definite no-no though as is running away from the dinner table while wielding two knives.

Every stand-off ends the same. Mommy is frustrated and Matthew is crying. He's not quite there yet to get "no" or "stop" it's our job as parents to show consistency and start the understanding process of those powerful words. It's not fun, this tantrum thing. And when he's upset and crying and reaching for me it takes all I have to not scoop him up and love on him. I have to remind myself that it's okay if he's upset if he's learning a lesson from it. Navigating his world is hard and he's just trying to figure out his place in our family and in the world in general. He's got all kinds of things going on in his brain and he can't communicate them properly. It's my job as mom to help him learn to express what he's feeling without getting too frustrated with him.

Last night when I went in to do my daily "is he still breathing" check before bed he was half awake. And when he saw me he grabbed his Stinky Puppy and his Buddy Bear and lifted his arms. I sat with him in the chair and rocked him. He fits perfectly in the crook of my arm but something strange seems to have happened. His legs now fall almost all the way across my legs and I was struck by how quick this time is going. He's not throwing a tantrum because he's out to get me, although it does feel like that sometimes. He's just working out how to exist. How to deal with it when something doesn't go your way. And trust me things don't go the way a toddler would like about a billion times a day. I stared into his sleeping little face with tears stinging my eyes and resolved to do better today. That's the beautiful thing about waking up each morning, it's a new chance, a clean slate. And hopefully today it brings more understanding from both of us.

I love this boy, and his yogurt covered face.

The Snow Storm

2010-02-07T21:18:00.000-05:00

Our area has been hit by snow which was fun since we didn't have anywhere to go. After naptime we bundled up Matthew and took him out in it. He loved it!

Here are a couple video's of him playing.

Crawling in the snow.

and helping Matt to shovel

Someone Always Looking Out For Him

2010-02-04T14:47:00.000-05:00

I think I do a pretty good job of living life in the moment. Of being grateful beyond words for what I have and the life I live. But there are times when I am hit so hard with the realization that I gave birth to two babies who were not meant for this world. I had just started feeling Daniel move when I went into labor. I was talking to him when I had a minute to myself in the hospital and apologized for what was going to happen. And he kicked me. And when he did my heart shattered and fell onto the floor. Here he was safe in my belly and working on growing strong enough to be born not knowing that he didn't have a chance. Well he did have a chance. We were given the choice to try. But the dr's and specialists saw very little success in that. In order for it to work I would have to lay in bed with my head lower than my feet and not move. Not to eat, not to shower, not to go to the bathroom. And I would have had to do that for 5 weeks at least. My chances were 20% of it working. And if that worked there was a 50/50 chance of Daniel being born deaf, blind and with cerebal palsy. In our hearts and mind that was no choice at all.

We gathered our strength and let my body do what it was trying to do and said goodbye to our little boy and little girl. Life for us would never be the same. Sometimes I look at pictures of us before the twins and feel bad for us. For the painful road we would go on to have a family.

While those moments of grief and sorrow and sheer anger at my body for not letting that pregnancy to continue aren't as constant as they once were, they are still there. And then I look at Matthew and can't imagine our lives without him. His little soul is just so full of love and happiness and makes my heart soar.

I've done good for a long time, talking about the twins with the perspective of gratefulness rather than sorrow. But grief nudged it's way into my life again last night. I was preparing a letter for our March For Babies team. And looking online for a "little brother" shirt for Matthew to wear. I came across one that I loved and for some reason my eyes scanned the page and read the description of the shirt. Something I've never really done before when looking at clothes for him. It said the following:

"Little Bro lets everyone know he's got someone looking out for him in our bright tee."

Someone looking out for him.

He's got someone looking out for him, or two someone's. How I wish they were here with him.

I've learned something in this journey of grief. Despite what people tell you time doesn't help it. Everytime it hits me it's just as strong as those first few days. And I'm grateful I can get through most of my days without falling in that hole. And I'm grateful for my husband and my family and friends who know that sometimes I just need to talk about them. To have someone tell me that it's okay to talk about them. It honors their existence. And that's all a mother wants, to know that their baby matters. Even if those babies live on only in my heart.

A Hard Worker

2010-02-02T15:07:00.000-05:00

I have another video to share. Matthew found the duster that comes with the vacuum cleaner and decided to help clean the floor. Listen to the sound effects, they're hysterical!

Building Blocks

2010-02-02T14:32:00.001-05:00

Last night after dinner we sat on the floor and played with some blocks he got for Christmas. They're probably one of his favorite toys, well toys that are actually toys. He also loves the remote, phone, camera...basically all the stuff he shouldn't be touching.

Together we were stacking blocks and making a building, and Matt told me I'd never cut it as an engineer, good thing I have no plans to be one.

Matthew was working very hard on his project. He was quite thoughtful as to where he put each block.

After we were done with one building Matthew found the perfect use for it. A seat!

However refer to the comment above regarding my engineering skills or lack thereof.

After the chair fell apart we decided to help daddy with his more structurally stable building.

Finally we decided to see how high we could make our tower before it fell down.

Clean up time!

Of course there are many lessons to be taken from building with blocks. Lessons beyond learning how to build something structurally sound so that it won't fall down. It's building family time and relatioship between a parent and a child. It's teaching him that working together we can do anything and if you put it together strong enough it will never fall down.

The Joy in Simple Things

2010-02-01T13:57:00.003-05:00

How many times do you see geese? Everytime you're out right? The other day I looked at them differently for the first time. We went to Panera for breakfast and sat by the window that overlooked a river where geese were. Or as he calls them, "burs". He sat there for a long time waving at them and telling them "hi burs!" It's an awesome thing, to take a step back and look at something you see all the time through the eyes of a child who's never noticed it before.

I can't wait for the spring when new baby geese arrive and we can show them to Matthew.

My Little Helper

2010-01-27T17:55:00.000-05:00

In lieu of a Wordless Wednesday today I'm posting another video. It's Matthew being a big helper when we unload the dishwasher. He even runs over and opens the drawer. I'm also posting this to remind me of how helpful he was when he's 9 and this is one of his chores.

Where's Matthew?

2010-01-25T20:29:00.000-05:00

Another video for tonight. Matthew was "hiding" from Sarah the other night and thought he was pretty funny!

Matthew Says "Boo!"

2010-01-25T20:15:00.000-05:00

Here's a video of Matthew, he likes to scare you as you're going up the stairs at night. Enjoy!

Wordless Wednesday--9 Years!

2010-01-20T16:15:00.001-05:00

Happy Anniversary to us!

Conversation With The Kid

2010-01-20T15:57:00.000-05:00

Matthew followed me out to the kitchen today and I was standing at the fridge getting water we had the following conversation:

Matthew--waddadoin? (What are you doing?)
Mommy--getting water, do you want some?
Matthew--tapping the top of his sippy cup--wada? (water?)
Mommy--no, that's juice.
Matthew--jush? (juice?)
Mommy--yep, that's juice, do you want water?
Matthew--as he scurries away--nope!

Having a kid is so cool.

Poor Buddy

2010-01-19T12:30:00.000-05:00

Well Matthew is sick. He got a tummy bug Saturday night and last night he threw up again after dinner. We really think we just pushed him a little far with eating yesterday. We're pushing fluids and watching for signs of dehydration but he's still just not himself. He has a dr appt today, not that I expect she'll do anything, but when I called to ask how to get him back to eating right they told us just to come in. So we'll see what she says.

In the meantime we've spent lots of time cuddling on the couch and reading books and playing with puzzles and the magna-doodle. Hopefully our little guy will be back to himself soon.

Fun!

2010-01-16T21:49:00.000-05:00

Today our temperatures dared to go in the 40's so we decided to take Matthew to the park before the 20's found us again.

He had fun.

He loved climbing on the big wooden climbing structure.

He didn't care much for the swings though.

Nope. Definitely not.

Time to go home!

The Proof of Fun

2010-01-15T22:35:00.000-05:00

Tonight we left as soon as Matt got home. We went to dinner and ran errands and got home and it was after bedtime. So we went right upstairs. When we came back down I tripped over the five billion toys scattered and started to curse the mess. We're trying to instill in Matthew that we pick up at the end of the night. But tonight we just got home too late. I quickly changed my thinking. Instead of cursing the mess I decided to feel blessed by it. It was proof that my son had a good day. Filled with building blocks and putting together puzzles and running his "choo-choo" around the table. It was filled with reading books and rocking on his horse and hitting the button on his race car over and over and over again.

It is a blessing to live the life I live. To stay home and spend the day with Matthew and watch him play with no cares in the world. I embrace the mess, for it is proof that love lives here.

Matthew Conquers the World

2010-01-14T16:01:00.000-05:00

On Thursday's Matthew and I attend the Little Rollers class at the Y. When we first started Matthew barely left my side and if any of the other kids or moms tried to talk to him he'd cry. Now he barely pays any attention to me and even lets other moms hold his hand or help him up on something. It really has been an amazing transformation to watch him be more sure of himself without leaning on mommy for support.

One of his favorite activities is the slide but he has trouble getting all the way up to the top and figuring out how to sit down and slide. Today he finally did it!

Okay so he kind of slides down in a split position, but hey, I don't have to help him anymore. And yeah, so he's not conquering THE world, but he is conquering his.

Here he is all proud of himself for getting to the top by himself.

Wordless Wednesday--Dreaming

2010-01-13T20:25:00.000-05:00

For today's Wordless Wednesday I'm dreaming of warm weather and vacation time. This picture is from the Outer Banks two years ago, it's the dune walk up the beach. A heck of a walk, but worth it.

Granola Goodness

2010-01-12T22:33:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have noticed I'm on a quest to make more food from scratch. Today I tried to make some granola. I used the following recipe

Ingredients
Makes 24
1/3 cup honey
1/4 cup natural peanut butter
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 cup crisp rice cereal
1 cup old-fashioned rolled oats
1/4 cup dried fruit
Directions
1.In a small saucepan over medium, heat honey, peanut butter, and butter. Stir until loosened and smooth, 1 to 2 minutes. Remove from heat; stir in cereal, oats, and dried fruit.
2.Drop mixture by the tablespoon into mini paper cupcake or candy liners. Place on a rimmed baking sheet, and refrigerate until set, about 15 minutes. To store, refrigerate in an airtight container up to 1 week.

It was really easy to make and turned our super yummy. Even Matthew liked it! And I'm learning that if you make something new a toddler will eat you better guard that recipe as if it were a precious gem.

Hibernating

2010-01-09T22:06:00.001-05:00

It's too cold out so we decided to hibernate. When the temperature doesn't reach freezing it's too cold to go outside. And luckily we have no reason to. We let Matthew be a couch potato as we took down all the Christmas decorations except for our tree. I put up my Valentine's decorations which make me stupidly happy.

We listened to Matthew lay up in his crib and avoid napping until almost 2:00. He turns 18 months old today and I guess he feels he's just too old to nap. Of course the fact that he slept in until almost 9 and then lounged around watching tv all morning helped him to not be tired.

As Matthew napped Matt I played Wii where I finally almost beat him at Winter Olympics Alpine Skiing. Almost. Sigh. I will do it one day. Something happens to me while I'm playing and it doesn't matter how often (and loudly) Matt tells me just to turn the controller with subtle movements, five seconds in and I'm moving my arms wildly from left to right contorting my face as if it that would help me too. The result is that I miss all the flags I'm supposed to hit and come in so far behind Matt that his Mii is taking a nap in the snow waiting for me to get down hill. I don't even know why I bother hitting the A booster button when I get to the end, I guess it's just because I can. Matt can't come close to my Wii Bocce and Disc Golf skills, however. And I kicked his butt at Wii Volleyball too!

For dinner I continued on my quest to start making more things from scratch and made my own pizza dough to create the yummiest white broccoli pizza this side of Mack n Manco's.

Matthew gobbled it up and anytime a toddler eats all of his dinner I consider it a personal victory.

A little bit more playing and a nice bath followed by ushering Matthew into bed completed our day and now we're watching the Eagles/Cowboys game and hoping beyond hope a miracle happens and they decide to start playing this game.

Tomorrow we plan to hibernate some more. Although we do have to take the trash out tomorrow night so we will actually have to open the door.

As I mentioned earlier, Matthew turned 18 months old today. How he got that old I don't know, we're on the down swing to two and it both excites me and makes me sad. Time, it sure does go fast.

Yes! No!

2010-01-08T21:55:00.000-05:00

Matthew has a funny game he plays with his Poppop. It's a game of opposites. If you shake your head "no" he'll shake his "yes" and vice versa.

Today he was playing it with me while we were eating lunch. I was shaking my head but was saying it out loud so you could see the game.

It's Never Enough

2010-01-07T23:03:00.000-05:00

If I live to the age of 102 and get to be Matthew's mommy all of that time it will still not be enough.

Even as a little girl I dreamed of being a mommy and now I'm living it and it's way beyond my little girl dreams.

Not only do I love him, I can't get enough of him. I love his laugh and what makes him laugh makes me happier than the funniest movie.

At times I count the hours until bedtime and then miss him and sneak into his room holding my breath until I see the rise and fall of his chest.

And when he gets hurt my heart thumps in pain until he's all better.

My Aunt Mary once told me that when you have a child you will physically feel their pain. And all of their heartache and sadness will travel through you as it does them. She is so right.

I hate to see him sad but realize it's a passage of life. I would give my right arm to keep pain from him. Right now his broken hearts come from mom and dad when we dare to not let him stand on his new horse or climb on the coffee table. But I know more is coming and I want to put him in a bubble. I want to protect him from the mean little kids who will come his way and the girls who will not love him the same way he loves them. I want to take that pain from him even though it hasn't happened yet. I can't imagine him with a bruised ego or a broken heart from a friendship or a love that didn't work out.

All I can do is raise him with a good heart and a strong head on his shoulders. I can fill him with the love of God and the strength of his parents. I can teach him that the road of life is hard, and there are many bumps along the way, but that if you trust in yourself and keep walking forward that life can bring you the most awesome of blessings.

He is the loveliest of souls, even when he is ornery. And 100 years with him will never be enough.

Wordless Wednesday--A Furry Friend

2010-01-06T16:01:00.000-05:00

Today's wordless Wednesday involves one of our Kitty's Leiya and her comfy spot on our bed.

Does the House Look Lighter to You?

2010-01-02T20:54:00.000-05:00

A message board I belong to is doing a challenge. To rid your house of 2010 things in the year 2010. And to make it more interesting one of the members started a blog that offers weekly challenges to help you find things in your house to go through that will get rid of more junk.

I welcome you all to join it, I added the blog in my sidebar. And I'll keep a running total of what we've purged too.

Today was a big day for us. We cleaned out and organized our linen closet.

Here is was before:

And after (and after a $50 trip to Target for bins and new batteries for the label maker...but isn't it pretty?)

and because I'm so proud of our handy-work here's a shelf by shelf picture.

Doesn't it look so nice?

We also went through Matthew's clothes and Matt's bedside table. Our grand total from today was 252 items!! Go us!!!

In other family news yesterday was a big day. Penn State won their bowl game! Yay!!

And Matthew looked super cute in his new Penn State shirt.

And here's a link to the blog I'm following to give you ideas and challenges on what you can get rid of in your house!
http://organizeyourselfchallenge.blogspot.com/

Happy Purging!

Here's to 2010!

2010-01-01T17:42:00.000-05:00

I hope you all had a great New Year's Eve. I know we did, and we're hopeful that 2010 is full of health and happiness for all of you.

Speaking of health, we've had the sickies go through here. Thankfully so far Matthew has been spared but daddy had it and I am halfway through it and last night poor Pop-pop started feeling it. It's just a cold but colds are such a pain!

Like I said, Matthew is so far (knock on wood) healthy but he has learned some good healthy habits. Like when you blow your nose you need a tissue.

Happy New Year's Eve!

2009-12-31T20:57:00.001-05:00

It's a low key night around here. Grammy and Pop-pop are up for a visit so Matthew is a happy little boy! We had a yummy dinner of snacks and are watching tv until the ball drops later.

Matthew took a later nap today so he's staying up for a little while longer. He really loves to visit with his Grammy and Pop-pop so we figure we can let him stay up as a little treat. For a special New Year's Eve treat I made a chocolate trifle and we let Matthew have some.

He made just a little bit of a mess.

Maybe a little smudge by his cheek?

and for a special New Year's treat, here's a video of what we had to clean up.

Reflections

2009-12-30T21:35:00.003-05:00

With the year (and the decade) coming to a close I find myself, along with most people, taking a moment and reflecting on the changes in my life. The last decade has been filled with ups and downs to say the least.

In 2001 I got married. It was a beautiful day filled with rain and snow and sun and ice. I can remember clearly the anticipation of that day and how long it seemed to take for it to get here. I remember just wanting to see Matt at the end of the aisle. It was all I could have dreamed of and more.

Three weeks later I was devestated by the death of my beloved grandmother. She was my rock and I still find myself shedding many tears over her huge absence from my life. She would have just loved Matthew and I ache for him to know her.

This is a picture of her and me at my wedding. I gave her my throw-a-way bouquet and before I did it the photographer captured a moment I will forever be grateful for. See the look on her face? That was the look of love from an amazing woman and everyone who knew her was forever changed.

Here's another of her from my bridal shower. I miss that laugh.

In July of 2001 we moved into what would in 2003 become our first house! It was a small 2 bedroom condo but coming from our tiny 1 bedroom apartment with no laundry room we loved it. It did us well for a long time until annoying neighbors and walls closing in on us helped us to decide it was time to upgrade.

May of 2004 was another devestating loss to my family. My dad passed away after a long fight with lung Cancer. He was a good man who was tough on me, but taught me a lot about life and never giving up. He was so excited for Matt and me to have children and I mourn the lost relationship Matthew will never have with him.

Here he is at a Phillies game just a few months before he was diagnosed.

In March of 2006 we broke ground on our new townhouse that would pretty much double our living space! We were so excited and despite many setbacks (such as the house being done almost a year after it was supposed to be done) we still love it. We have a never ending list of projects and plan to be here another 3-5 years.

Here's a few pictures of our journey to it being built.

Once we had decided to start building our house we realized it was time to be serious about this baby making business. Due to my polycystic ovarian syndrome the chances of us conceiving on our own were very slim and we didn't want to waste any more time so off to the Reproductive Endochronologist we went.

After two failed cycles of injectibles/IUI we were blessed with the most beautiful sight! A positive pregnancy test! We soon learned that not one but two little babies were on their way to us!

Here's an ultrasound picture of the day we found out there were two.

This picture still hurts my heart because it's proof they were real and that what happened to us really happened. Sometimes it's easy to let myself forget, makes it more bearable. But it is part of our sad truth. On July 5th 2007 we found out sweet Baby B did not make it. And because of her passing my body went into labor on July 11th and our little boy was not big enough to survive it. There is some small comfort in the fact that they knew no pain, no heartache or sorrow and that the warmth of my womb and the eternal love of God is all they know. But there are times when their loss makes me want to crawl into a hole and stop moving.

Coming back from our vacation to the Outer Banks that year I was renewed and more determined than ever to bring a child into my home. We started right back at the dr's and found success with our first cycle!

Just one this time though.

Here's a progression of my growing baby belly!

In June we were once again shaken by another loss. This one of my mother. She passed away the night before my baby shower and I still am not really able to talk about it. My list of regrets with her is long and I have to remind myself daily that I know she loved me and she knows I loved her and that's what matters.

Here is her and I at my cousin Mary's graduation.

On July 4th this picture was taken.

And then on July 8 this one (by the way, this was after already a full 24 hours of waiting, waiting, waiting).

And then finally, on July 9th he was ready to arrive! Matthew Edwin McMichael, Jr. was born at 5:58 in the morning weighing 6lbs and 6ozs.

Our family core was shaken one more time when in September of 2008, just a few short months after my mom's passing we got the horrible news that my Aunt Cathy had also passed away. Shell-shocked would be a good word to describe it. How could a family endure so much loss in such a short period of time.

She loved Matthew and called me daily to check on him. And I wish I had more patience on the phone with her. But once again, regrets do nobody any good.

Here is possibly one of the last pictures we have of her. She had come up to finally meet our little man and fell head over heels. In fact she would hardly let him go all day.

Matthew's first year of life went by so quickly!

too quickly

He took his first steps on July 27, 2009, shortly after his first birthday and what would have been my mom's 52nd birthday.

And now he's a walking, talking, ornery toddler! He fills our days with joy and love and so much laughter.

It's definitly been a decade of up's and down's. But that's what life is isn't it? The good times get you through the bad and you just keep walking through the sad knowing something happier is around the corner. You take your lessons when you find them and count your blessings before you go to bed each night.

I thank you, my family and friends and friends that are family. Without you all I never would have gotten through the bad times and I'm happy you were there to help celebrate the good!

From my family to yours I hope this next decade is your best ever!

Wordless Wednesday--Filling Daddy's Shoes

2009-12-30T20:12:00.000-05:00

He's got a long way to go until they fit but he's already trying to fill daddy's shoes!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-30T11:04:00.002-05:00

So I'm a little late, but it's a busy season and made that much busier by the little man running around my house. I've finally found homes for most of the new toys that he got and it seems as soon as I put them away he pulls them back out. So I've given up trying for now and decided to just let him explore all his new fun toys. So far he loves filling up his shopping cart and pushing it around the house and then knocking it over and sitting on the side of it.

Anyway back to Christmas morning. We woke up early here to give him time with his presents before we left to go visit with family. He didn't quite get what was going on. In fact he really had little interest in opening gifts but would tear paper off when we would tear a piece and he could see that something fun was inside. Right away he was enamored by his wagon full of legos and all of his books.

He was very spoiled by our family and we are all so thankful for all of you and for loving our little man as much as we do.

It's a hard balance on Christmas to remember those not with us. It's painful to know there should be three little kids tearing through gifts on Christmas morning. But I know they're with us and watching over us and sharing in the fun their little brother has.

Here are a few pictures from our day.

I know

2009-12-29T23:24:00.003-05:00

I'm way behind, I need to update about Christmas and a whole bunch of other things. For now I'm here because I started a new blog tonight that will actually begin on January 1st.

I'll still keep up with this one as the other one is going to be a photographic journey through a year of Matthew's life and all the changes that goes on between 18 months and 2 and a half years!

I hope you'll follow that one too!

http://measureayearofmj.blogspot.com/2009/12/here-i-go-again.html

Hershey Park Happy!

2009-12-22T20:47:00.003-05:00

Despite the warnings of a blizzard we headed out for our yearly tradition of going to Hershey Park the weekend before Christmas. Getting there was fine, there wasn't even any snow at all until we got right outside of Hershey. Getting back was a little rougher but we made it.

They were closing early so we rushed through Chocolate World to get to the park.

Matthew was very excited about the big tree they had there!

He even kept asking for more of it.

Here's the three of us in front of the tree.

After doing their new Chocolate Tasting Tour and the Factory Tour and buying half the store out of chocolate we bundled Matthew up to head into the park.

Despite being a little snow covered, he was plenty warm!

It was beautiful there! And we had a great time with the best friends ever!

On a Roll

2009-12-17T20:56:00.002-05:00

So I'm rolling with my newfound love of experimenting in the kitchen and decided today to try and make home made cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning. Our Christmas Day is going to be very hectic and we're pretty much getting up at 5 to give Matthew time to open and play with his presents a little bit before we are off to visit family in three different places before our final destination of my inlaws house for a couple days. While I am excited to see everyone, it's still going to be hectic. Perhaps next year we'll invite people to come to us.

Anyway, I thought cinnamon rolls would be a good Christmas morning breakfast. Something I can make ahead of time and heat up for us to eat while we open gifts.

It was a similar process to the bread.

Mixing in the mixer

Kneading it on a floured surface

I proofed it for about 90 minutes in a warmed oven and it went from

to

After it was finished proofing I had to punch it down.

And then roll it out and spread melted butter and then a mixture of sugar and cinnamon on it.

And then roll it up, slice it and put it in a pan.

Once sliced it had to proof again for 45 minutes.

After 20 minutes in the oven and being glazed the final result is pure yumminess.

Want one?

Wordless Wednesday--Chhhheeeessseee!

2009-12-16T15:27:00.001-05:00

Matthew taking a picture of mommy taking a picture of Matthew.

Kitchen Creativity

2009-12-15T21:31:00.003-05:00

Today I decided to try my hand at baking home-made bread.

I was excited to use my dough hook for the first time ever in the almost 9 years I've owned my kitchenaid.

Quickly dough formed to look more like...welll...bread dough.

Then I turned it out on to the counter to knead it to the right consistency.

After 90 minutes in the oven my dough went from

to

Finally it was time to form it into loaves of bread and score it. A quick egg white wash and into the oven it went!

28 minutes later it was ready and the house smelled so good!

I served it alongside of some chicken noodle soup that cooked in the crockpot all day. I even made home made noodles for that.

It was a big hit at dinner. And Matthew loved the bread! He even said "mooooaaahhh beh" (translation--more bread).

C is For Cookie

2009-12-11T21:13:00.002-05:00

You know one of my favorite parts about Christmas? The presents? Definitely. The lights? Absolutely.

But one of my other favorite parts is the cookies. Before Matthew I would spend a whole weekend making cookies. About 12 different kinds. Since him there are other fun things to do, and he's not quite at the helpful stage yet so I pick a few of my favorite and make them over time and freeze them.

Tonight I made my absolute favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe that I got from an online mommy friend, the same one who helped me feel brave enough to let Matthew feed himself yogurt the other day actually, lol.

I substituted chocolate chips for the Christmas color M&M's.

Doesn't the dough look divine? It tastes even better than it looks!

Here they are ready to go in the oven.

And in their final form.

Want to make some of your own?

The *Best* Chocolate Chip Cookies

What you need:
1 1/2 c. Butter flavored Crisco
2 1/2 c. firmly packed brown sugar
2 tbsp. vanilla
2 eggs
3 1/2 c. flour
2 tsp. salt
1 1/2 tsp. baking soda
3 c. semi-sweet chocolate chips

What you do:
1. Preheat oven to 375. Cream Crisco, brown sugar, vanilla, & eggs in bowl. Mix in dry ingred. & add chocolate chips. Using a teaspoon, drop cookie dough onto an ungreased baking sheet, spaced about 1 inch apart.
2. Bake for 8-10 mins. (I frequently only bake for 6-7 minutes)

Seriously, they are chewy and crispy and just so yummy. In fact I think I need to go try one more before I toss them in the freezer, you know, just to make sure they're okay.

Someone Just Learned About the Naughty List

2009-12-11T18:41:00.001-05:00

Trying New Things

2009-12-10T15:48:00.002-05:00

I've been inspired by an online mommy friend to let Matthew try feeding himself yogurt. He's a great eater but hit or miss on snacks and I'd really like him to atleast eat yogurt once a day. It's filled with all kinds of good for you things. He normally loved it but recently started turning it down more than he was eating it. Since he's turning more and more into one of those "I can do it myself" kids I decided today what the heck. I took him out of the high chair and stripped him of his clothes and put him back in with a spoon and bowl of yogurt.

He did pretty good and was very cautious about dipping the spoon in and licking it off.

At the end he was even trying to feed me! Boy does this growing up thing happen fast!

By the way, speaking of growing up, he was 17 months old yesterday. Here's a look back at the little bug a year ago.

and one from when he was first born.

Wordless Wednesday--It's a Hard Knock Life

2009-12-09T19:00:00.001-05:00

Let it Snow!

2009-12-08T16:42:00.002-05:00

We had our first snow of the season on Saturday. Matthew was captivated by it. Every time we go anywhere the whole time in the car he goes "ooooooohhhhh" and "oooohhh I see it!! You see it?" It's so cute! We definitely plan to get him a sled once there's some more out there!

Yummy!

2009-12-03T20:26:00.001-05:00

Matthew invented a new game tonight. Eat daddy's legs!

Wordless Wednesday--Christmas Card Picture: Take 6748694768!

2009-12-02T11:25:00.001-05:00

It's Magical

2009-12-01T15:13:00.003-05:00

There really is something about seeing Christmas lights that just makes your soul feel a little bit fuller. I get a lighter feeling in my heart like everything is going to be okay. It makes me so happy. I love that Matthew appears to be following in my Christmas loving foot steps. Every morning when we plug the tree in he exclaims, "ooooohhhhhhhhhh" and if you ask him if he see's it he runs to the tree and points at it. Christmas has always been fun to me but having a child around the house during the holidays is some kind of special that I never knew existed.

Me and My Pop-pop!

2009-11-30T16:48:00.004-05:00

From the time Matthew was a little bitty boy he's loved his Pop-pop. He was always happy when in his arms and he could always get him to laugh.

Of course he went through a period of time when nobody could hold him, not even Pop-pop, but he's over that hump, thankfully.

Last week we went to Matt's parents house for Thanksgiving. We had a great time and celebrated Pop-pop's birthday along with Thanksgiving.

Matt and I also got a lot of Christmas shopping done. But Matthew was in heaven because he had 5 whole days of Pop-pop. He sat in his lap to watch tv, he followed him around the house and "talked" with him on the phone.

He also learned a fun new game with Grammy. He learned the endless love of a grandmother and how she'll pick you up 5001 times, especially if you give her a kiss every time she does it.

Yesterday we were outside, helping them put lights up on their house and Pop-pop got out the rake to try and get the last of the leaves. And as Pop-pop would make a pile, Matthew would slosh through it. Pop-pop didn't mind though, he'd just keep raking.

It's fun to watch him with him. To see a boy who's over the moon for his Pop-pop. And I bet Pop-pop thinks Matthew's pretty special too!

Two for Tuesday

2009-11-24T16:55:00.004-05:00

I bought Matthew a winter coat today.

And then tried to get a picture. Apparently I started a new game called "chase the toddler around the house."

There he goes!

Here he comes!

A quick pause to check out the Christmas lights outside..."ooooooh pity!!" he said.

Check back later for video of our game...photobucket's being a pain!

Decking the Halls

2009-11-24T15:09:00.002-05:00

I've never been one to wait to put up my Christmas decorations. As a little girl and teenager I would beg my mom every year to put the tree up earlier and earlier. But she was adament about waiting until a couple weeks before Christmas. And on New Year's Day it was all packed away into boxes.

Now that I have my own house I can put it up when I want. I'm starting to realize what a challenge this year will be with my own little "elf" in the house. He's very helpful and loves to look at the lights. But he's got the grace of a bull in a china shop.

That's okay though. There is something magical about the joy of a chiild during the holidays. The lights and music cast a spell on him and makes it more fun than I ever imagined!

Last night we started putting the decorations on the tree. And he was so excited to help. He handed the ornaments to Daddy who then handed them to me.

It started out well but quickly disintegrated as bedtime set in. He began to throw the ornaments over the baby gate and then it was pretty much time to call it done. He came over to the tree and helped put his ornament on that we had made for him last year.

He loved to look at the lights and all the ornaments. We put ones he can't break or hurt himself on the bottom.

Finally he helped Daddy put the topper on the tree. This topper is very special. It was my grandmothers and I always loved it as a little girl, and love it that much more as a grown-up. It's filled with love and memories and it thrills me to now have a little boy to make memories with.

What Happened to My Life?

2009-11-22T20:53:00.002-05:00

I used to spend my day surrounded by adult conversation...now I try and get a one year old to "use his words" as I sing the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song in my head.

I used to spend Friday nights out to dinner with my husband and browsing through Lowe's or Home Depot planning our next house project...now we eat places based on how well Matthew likes the meals and go to Toys R Us.

I used to sleep in until 9 or 10 on Saturday mornings and spend the day watching cooking and home improvement shows...now we watch Nick Jr and Disney channel and we're up by 8.

In the car we used to listen to a radio show with a lot of bad language...now it's the XM kids station.

I used to live for Thursday Night TV and watching the comedies...now the laughter of a toddler fills my world.

We used to eat dinner in front of the tv and *maybe* it would include two of the food groups...now every meal has a fruit and a vegetable.

Life used to be different before, that's for sure. Not sure when it all changed, I just turned around and it was all new.

But it's never been better.

A Yummy Dinner

2009-11-19T18:31:00.003-05:00

I struggle sometimes to come up with new meals. Like most moms I feel like I make the same things over and over again. I'm a vegetarian and Matt and Matthew are not so coming up with something we will all eat can be difficult. Luckily I've been blessed with a husband who doesn't mind eating the vegetarian soy crumbles. Tonight I decided to try something new. Beef strognanoff made with it.

I was apprehensive myself about trying it. See not only do I not like meat, I don't even want the consistency of it. But this was really good!

Matthew had a hard time deciding he was going to try it. Which made us laugh. Because it's noodles, and he loves noodles. So how did he know it was something he never had before. But the little booger ate his peas, his applesauce and even drank half his milk before he would try the stroganoff. It took me putting it on a big fork instead of his toddler one. But he did try it. And loved it. Ate his whole plate full and still wanted more!

Phew! I realize how far I've come in my life when I've overjoyed at the thought of adding a new meal to my rotation.

(excuse the quality of pictures...Matthew was "playing" with my camera this morning and it appears it's gone missing so this is taken with our video camera)

36 Days Left!

2009-11-19T15:20:00.002-05:00

There are 36 days left until Christmas! Do you still need a card?

Click on this link and it will take you to Sunday Girls which is a business owned by me and my cousin Sarah! Buy a card! Help me stay home with Matthew longer so I can write you funny blogs!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/SundayGirlsDesigns

Wordless Wednesday--It's Beginning to TASTE A Lot Like Christmas!

2009-11-18T19:37:00.001-05:00

A Blog Makeover!

2009-11-17T21:20:00.002-05:00

I wanted to change the look of the blog. I was going with a Christmas theme and then remembered the cute Thanksgiving jammies Matthew has so decided to go with that for a week.

Getting a good picture of him in the jammies turned out to be quite an ordeal. I knew it was too good to be true when I snapped the first picture and...boom...perfect! Until I looked closer and realized you couldn't read the pajama tops. Which was the driving force behind the blog change.

The look on his face is just precious and I'm actually stupidly upset I couldn't use it as my header picture.

Trying to get a one year old to cooperate with you on a picture, in a time crunch and close to bedtime can be likened to giving a cat a bath. A lot of sweat, tears (mine and his) and 5000000 pictures on the camera (thank God for digital) and finally...perfect? Well not really, but good enough.

Here are some out-takes!

Their Memory Lives on

2009-11-16T20:24:00.003-05:00

When I lost the twins my Uncle Herb and Aunt Dale found me roses. The breeds were called "Daniel" and "Hope". They thought we could plant them and then whenever they bloomed it would bring us a little joy. It would be a great way to never forget the passing of their little spirits.

Due to a bad growing season last year it took longer than expected for them to arrive. But they finally came in last week.

Yesterday was a beautiful day and we got them planted in the ground. I'm excited to watch them grow and thrive and bloom every year. And I'm so thankful for my Aunt and Uncle and their amazing gift.

Watch for an update to this post when they bloom next summer!

He's Getting So Smart!

2009-11-11T19:51:00.002-05:00

I'm skipping Wordless Wednesday this week because Matthew did something today that was so smart I just had to share.

We have a side by side fridge with water and ice in the door. Tonight I got drinks for dinner and put them on the counter and turned to find Matthew touching the water dispenser levers. I instantly ran over and hit the lock button. I was a bit in shock that he could reach that already!

I knew he was getting taller as I've seen him come into the living room with various things from the dining room table or the kitchen counters that I thought were out of reach. You know, like the salt shaker, a spatula, his cups. But I didn't expect him to be able to reach the ice and water dispenser. Thank God there is a lock option.

Well after I locked it I was bustling around getting dinner pulled together since Matt was on his way home and I notice Matthew is bustling right behind me. He went over to the basket the tupperware sits in and grabbed a cup out of it and ran over to the water dispenser and put it up against it! He figured out you need to collect the ice/water in something!!

So then I decided to test out smart he was. And did this.

Isn't he so smart? It's amazing what they're learning just from watching.

Happy 16 Months!

2009-11-09T21:19:00.002-05:00

This was Matthew last November

It's amazing what a difference a year can make in the life of a child.

He is learning things so quickly it amazes me on a daily basis.

For example, today I paused the tv and Matthew grabbed his play remote and said "uh-oh" and ran to the tv to try and fix it.

He loves to give kisses and real loudly says, "mmmmmmmuuuuuuhhhhh" when he gives them.

He can show you his: eyes, ears, mouth, nose and tummy.

He knows to sign "more" when he wants more food without being told to "use his words".

He is completely overjoyed at the sight of one of the kitties that live in this house.

He loves to eat watermelon.

He is very good at cleaning up. One of his favorite games is to dump all of the tupperware and lids out and then proceed to pick them up and put them in a wire basket that sits outside the kitchen.

He really does just amaze me every day of his life, and I am eternally grateful that he is mine.

Matthew and the Leaves

2009-11-06T09:57:00.003-05:00

Matt and I don't have a rake. We don't need one because our lovely monthly fee to live here includes all lawn care. Which is a definite perk.

But when you have a kid and the leaves are on the ground you kind of want a rake so you can pile them all up and throw him in it.

We were going to get a rake last weekend but it rained the whole time, and you don't really want to throw said kid into a wet pile of leaves.

On Wednesday the lawn people came around to rake up our leaves and left big piles in our backyard and then left to do another area of the development. I saw my chance and bundled Matthew up and out we want.

He was very distracted by everything he saw and kept escaping down the sidewalk

We walked down to get the mail, which is a pretty far walk for a not yet 16 month old!

When we got back he finally started to show a little interest in the leaves that we went out to play with.

Finally I picked him up and threw him in one of the piles on the ground. He was not thrilled.

Not one bit.

But he still obliged me by letting me take some good pictures!

I'm glad we didn't go buy a rake!

On our way inside he found a little friend in the garden. It's a hose guide so when we water the garden it doesn't knock our flowers out of the ground. He bent down to look at it and with complete and utter amazement said "Ooooh...what's this?"

Wordless Wednesday-- Me and My Shadow

2009-11-04T13:24:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday (I Didn't Know It Would Begin This Early)

2009-10-28T13:47:00.003-04:00

So a lot of mommy bloggers do this "wordless wednesday" thing that I'm officially kicking off today. Well actually next Wednesday since this Wednesday my blog includes an explanation of what wordless wednesday is.

Basically the title is self-explanatory. It's just going to be a picture. I do plan to caption my picture in the title. So with that, here we go!

It's Like Christmas Every Monday

2009-10-26T19:58:00.002-04:00

I try on Monday's to switch out the toys that are in the gated area of our living room. I find he stays interested in them when there's something new. Toys that he is bored with just get tossed over the gate constantly. This morning I pulled out a circus tent toy that his Uncle Jim and Aunt Charla got him. It's a toy that's been out before but one that hasn't really sparked his interest, until today.

The toy is pretty cool. It's a circus tent and then there are animal inside and as you pull them out of the top of the tent a voice announces what kind it is or what sound it makes.

Matthew kept bringing me over the toy to take the animals out and then he would walk away from me with it. Finally all the animals were gone and he brought me his sock. He was quite confused when the circus tent wouldn't announce the sock as it entered the tent.

It entertained him all day, and he was excited to show daddy his new toy when he came from work.

A Fall Kind of Weekend

2009-10-25T18:17:00.002-04:00

Friday night we did some running around to get the rest of his outfit for the upcoming Wedding of the Century. I even found him a little tie. It's too cute! After doing that and getting dinner we took Matthew to the Y to their Halloween Carnival. To say Matthew had fun is an understatement. He ran around the place like he was on a race. It was so cute! He was dressed in his costume and a huge hit. Lots of people tried to talk to him but he was far too busy to stop.

Here's one of the few pictures I have that's not his back since he was running away from us the whole time.

Afterwards we took him for a little treat at Dairy Queen. He's not a big sweets eater but ice cream is his thing.

Yesterday we stayed home. In fact we barely got dressed and I only stepped outside once to get put something in the recycle bin.

Today we got up and went to breakfast and then took Matthew to a little pumpkin farm. He was a little apprehensive at first but soon got into it. They had an area set up for kids to play in with games and a small maze and then a sandbox filled with corn kernels.

When we left there we went to go pick out a few pumpkins for us to carve on Halloween.

We had a great weekend!

Well, His Modeling Career May Be Over

2009-10-23T13:24:00.002-04:00

It happened in slow motion.

We were outside playing yesterday afternoon. I was sitting on our step and the neighborhood stray cat had come over to be pet. Matthew came over too, to pester. As he was getting down to go back to playing he decided to walk down the steps rather than sit and scoot as he normally does.

I saw it happening before it happened and time seemed to slow down and my arms and legs somehow felt as if they were chained to the ground. I just couldn't get to him in time because it happened too fast.

Down he went, confident in his abilities. Luckily his face broke his fall. Flat on the cement he went. I picked him up and blood started pooling under his nose. We came inside and I cleaned him up and he attempted to eat the paper towels I was using to clean him up with.

He was fine, and I was not. Poor little man. It'll heal quickly I'm sure. I will take a little longer. Being that he's a child of the boy variety I'm sure this won't be his last injury. But it still makes me feel bad.

Jumping the Gun

2009-10-21T21:05:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I bought Matthew a potty chair.

Jumping the gun? Yep.

But you see for seven years I was the lead teacher of the room where potty training must be achieved before the child can move. I estimate that I've potty trained over 150 kid that were in my room.

So I feel a slight obligation to have him potty trained quickly since I should know what I'm doing. I thought it would be a good idea to get him a potty chair to let him get used to it and learn how to sit on it. I know we're at the beginning of a very long road so stay tuned for updates on this one!

In the meantime Matthew's learned the potty is super fun to carry around.

and to put your toy in.

It's also fun to end up with a picture that make it look like you're actually using the potty! (this will be a great one to show the girlfriend in years to come)

But to actually sit on it so far resulted in a slight fit on the floor.

Good thing we have time!

The Very First Haircut

2009-10-20T13:29:00.003-04:00

As most of you know my mom was a hairdresser. Well, she went to school for it and practiced it on friends and family. She couldn't handle the stress of working in a salon and being resposible for the way people feel about themselves. But she enjoyed cutting hair very much. As Matthew's hair grew longer I started to feel a heaviness at the thought that she's not here to give Matthew his very first haircut. It's something I know she would have loved to do.

Since I don't have my mom here I had to do the next best thing when it came to getting the boy's haircut. I dug her scissors out of the box of stuff I have from her that I just don't know what to do with yet. We headed off to the salon where they made a big deal over the event. We walked in and the receptionist asked very loudly "is this our first haircut boy?" Matt and I were full of smiles and very excited over the day. Matthew had no clue what was going on but was very happy to see other kids in the building.

When we went in to where Melinda would cut his hair I pulled out my mom's scissors and asked her if she would mind making the first cut with them. I felt the tears pooling behind my eyes and after I got the question out I was in full out crying mode complete with snotty nose. I don't know why it hit me so strongly, but it did. I've often described grief as a big hole in your life and you spend your time walking around the outside of it. But every once in a while you're not paying attention to how close you walked to the hole and in you go.

I gathered myself back together and Matt went to put Matthew in the chair, which as you can imagine didn't go so well. So I got in the chair first and held him in my lap. Matt had the video camera going as well as the point and shoot camera and off we went!

Matthew was a very good boy during the haircut. He sat pretty still with some help of my fingers holding his chin in place. The only part he really didn't care for was at the end when she used the clippers to even out the back.

After he was all done he even got to pick out a prize!

Little Wonders

2009-10-15T21:09:00.003-04:00

The day I delivered the twins I found myself alone for a minute and in that short time I rubbed my belly and thanked Daniel for letting me be his mommy. I apologized to him that my body had failed him and that he had to go. I told him I loved him and that I will always love him. And then he kicked me. With that little kick my heart officially left my body, torn to pieces at what was happening. I was giving birth to a baby not ready for this world. He would have to go to heaven. And it was all my fault. There was nothing anybody could do to stop it from happening. I just had to learn how to wake up the next day and keep moving.

It was hard at first. Grief would hit me like a truck before my eyes would even open. I moved from the bed to the couch and back to the bed and didn't move. I didn't talk, didn't move, didn't eat and had to remind myself to breathe. The only thing that got me through was the thought of being able to try again.

I recovered quickly and easily from the birth that left me with empty arms. I went back to work and went on vacation. I surrounded myself with family and my best friend. And poured over stories of women who lost babies before me. Finding strength in their words and the proof that you can move forward, you can go on. Never forgetting and always holding in your heart the love that was there. As you all know we tried again and have a 15 month old wonder child who is currently sleeping upstairs in his crib, completely unaware of the miracle that he is. Oblivious to the fact that he is my dream come true. The dream that began on July 11th when his brother and sister went home to Jesus. The dream that forced me to keep moving.

Losing them destroyed me and slowly I had to figure out who I was again. I had to find out who this new "Megan" was and what she was going to do with the heartbreaking turn her life has taken. I like to think I've come very far. And some days I know I have. But somedays I still find that grief weighing on my shoulders. I still pause when I let myself think of what I should have right now. Yet I am completely grateful for what I do have.

Today is a day when mothers and fathers around the world can celebrate the little lives that passed on too soon. It's a day to light a candle in honor of all those sweet dreams that ended before they really had a chance to begin.

I lit my candle. Did you?

A 15 Month Update

2009-10-14T10:40:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. For some reason blogger wouldn't let me log on. So in reward you get two posts today.

How about a 15 month update?

At the age of 15 months Matthew is a very smart little boy. He can say:

mama
dada
kitty (kee)
Bella (rahrah)
Leiya (yaya)
ball
yeah
all done
amen
Christi (teetee)
Pop-Pop
Car
Hat

He knows where his nose, belly and mouth are.

If you hand him a napkin he'll wipe his mouth. He'll hold a shoe up to his foot and put a hat on his head. If you ask him something or try to give him something he doesn't want he'll shake his head no.

He can eat with a fork and drink out of a regular cup with a straw.

He sleeps from about 7:30 at night to 8:30 in the morning.

He has 10 teeth with 2 more on the verge of breaking through.

He's walking full time now and starting to run.

He can go up and down the stairs.

That's a lot of development for a boy of 15 months!!

Here's a comparison.

15 months

last October

Dancing Light

2009-10-14T10:22:00.001-04:00

This morning I woke up at 9 freaking out because usually I start hearing Matthew chirping about in his crib around 8:30. I quick ran to the bathroom and threw clothes on and went in his room. He was sitting up, beloved stinky puppy in hand, staring at the window that faces the back yard. He turned to look at me and in his most excited babble gestured towards the window. I looked at the window and saw what he saw, and I saw it through his eyes. The sun comes from back there, and today was putting on a show with the wind and the trees. Just a typical, ordinary, every day occurence. But to Matthew? To Matthew it was just the most amazing sight ever. He then gestured towards the window on the side of his room where no show was taking place and lifted his arms up, palms facing upwards in a motion that meant "what's wrong with that window, mommy?" I explained to him that the sun was behind his other window and the wind was making the trees dance. He replied to me, "yeah!" and stood up reaching his arms out to me. I picked him up and we sat in his rocking chair watching the light for a little bit longer. I am so in love with this little boy who sees magic and wonder everywhere he looks. Who, when he sees his teddy bear or his stinky puppy hugs them as if they were long lost friends coming home. Every morning it is always a total thrill for him to get his cheerios as he waits for mommy to make him breakfast. And daddy coming home at the end of the day is just the best thing ever. Simple, everyday events that add up to making Matthew a happy little boy. And I'm so grateful I get to experience that everyday.

Sometimes A Boy's Just Gotta Play

2009-09-30T21:20:00.002-04:00

Matthew is a good napper. He typically takes a 2-3 hour nap every afternoon. Today he had other things on his mind. He woke up about an hour after I put him down and was very noisy so I went to rescue him. We snuggled in his rocker for a few minutes but he was antsy to be done with that too. So downstairs we went.

And he started playing.

...and playing...

...and playing...

...and of course no playing would be complete without the super-fun game of peek-a-boo!

For an hour he kept himself occupied by going from toy to toy in the living room, paying no attention to me. I couldn't even get his attention with a rendition of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"! It was so cute to watch him be so captivated by the most important job a little kid has. Playing.

The 100th post!

2009-09-27T21:10:00.002-04:00

Here we are, post 100. There were times I wondered if I'd ever have a child to share stories about so this is a post I am very grateful for.

This weekend we had a lot of fun. Yesterday we went to the boardwalk with Sarah and Wayne for one last slice of Mack-n-Manco's pizza. We filled our bellies with yummy boardwalk fare before the winter winds start blowing.

Across from the bench we were sitting at was a shop that sold t-shirts. And Matthew became focused on a cookie monster shirt he could see. He squealed until we took him out of his stroller and then made a break for it.

We let him try out a couple little rides. But as you can see, he wasn't pleased.

He also loved standing on the bench and watching the water.

He even got his first taste of a funnel cake!

Today was fun, although not as fun as we had planned. We wanted to take him to an orchard and go pick apples. Unfortunately the weather was not on our side. The rain that was supposed to leave in the morning hung around all day so we never got to go. We did go pick out our pumpkins and mums, although it was raining through that too so we had to hurry.

"What do you say little pumpkin? You want to come home with me? Ok!"

Timeout

2009-09-21T16:23:00.004-04:00

Matthew is quickly becoming a full time walker. It's a wonderful accomplishment and I am so proud. Matt likes to say he does an impression of Frankenstein when he walks as he holds his arms out for balance. He's pretty proud of himself too. We've cheered him on and sat for endless hours on the floor trying to get him to go between us to get him to start. And now he laps the living room, a toy in each hand.

Yesterday we went to Target. Matt carried Matthew in and walking next to us was a family with two little kids. One who was around five and one who was probably close to two. Seeing the two year old walking independently made me realize that soon that will be Matthew. He'll hold our hands as we walk into stores or walk to go get the mail. And sooner than I realized he won't even want to be carried anywhere anymore. He can already go up and down the stairs by himself. And while that's a wonderful thing that he's becoming independent and learning to get around on his own I want to take time to make a forever impression on my mind. Of a little boy who clutches your collar as you carry him. Of a little boy with tiny arms reaching up for a ride. Of a little boy who is growing up very quickly.

I need to make myself take a timeout. And remember there's no rush for anything in his life. He'll do everything in his own time, and I'm just a facilitator to encourage his growth and accomplishments. Days go by and with them push Matthew further and further into childhood. And I need to just take a minute and be thankful for today.

The Last Supper

2009-09-16T20:13:00.005-04:00

Matt and I finally broke down and bought a new dining room table and chairs. Our old ones were...well... old. Matt's parents got them when they were married and they've been married a long time. It's served us well over the years but it was just time for us to get a new one.

Now I'm the first to admit I'm emotional. It's probably not even a stretch to say I'm a little too emotional. I have an empty bottle of Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo upstairs in my son's bathroom because it was the first bottle we bought for him. I just can't bring myself to throw it away. But this table I've been itching to get rid of. I couldn't wait to get a new one. Until this week when I realized in order to make room for the new, the old had to go. There's no where for us to put the old table and we just don't need it anymore so it has to go. And that hit me with a wave of memories. With the realization that this table was not going to be our table anymore came an overwhelming sadness. It is the table we ate dinner at for 10 years, it's the place Matthew had his first sponge bath at home on, and the place where our little baby kitties would sit on to look out the window at our first apartment.

We celebrated our last supper with this table last night. Had a nice dinner together and it was bittersweet for me. All those memories would leave with the table and it makes me pause. I know it's silly to attach such emotion to what is essentially wood. But it's a part of our family history.

Today the new table arrived. And with it the first supper and the promise of memories that will be made over the years. Eventually Matthew will move from his high chair and sit at this table. It will probably be the one he colors on with markers when I'm not looking, and possibly the place where a young lady will sit many many years from as he tells us that "she's the one." It may be the table that one day another baby has his or her first spongebath on. It may be the table Matthew and his little brother or sister turn into a tent.

I have a lot of hope and dreams for this new table. And I think I'm ready to let go of the old one.