Speaking of Exceling Rapidly...

Tonight I was sitting on the couch and Matthew was whining and pacing around the coffee table as he does when he gets tired and ready for bed. He came to the side near me and I said 'come to me'. And he did! He took a step towards me!!! Then he fell and crawled the rest of the way, but he took a step first! Matt and I sat speechless for a second at what we just saw happen. We both got on the floor and kept making him try again and every time he would take that one step and then crawl. But one step is how it all begins, isn't it?

I'll get some video soon. For now here's a picture of the little guy getting ready to take off!

Two Years...

Dear Daniel and Hope,

Two years ago the light of promise of your lives went out. It went quickly and without warning and left me in a heap on the ground. Losing you devestated all of us and it took a lot of time to realize life does indeed go on. It was hard to let go of the dream of you. How did we plan so long for you to be in our lives only for you to disappear? I imagine it will never be easy to deal with the what-ifs. The best way for me is to make sure I'm that much better of a mommy to your brother. To make sure I put aside the chores or the tiredness and be engaging in his life. To show him everything and help him experience everything you were not given the chance to.

I take peace in the fact that while I never held you and only have pictures of your sweet faces that you never felt any pain. Sadness and heartbreak will never overwhelm you. You only know the eternal love of God. The beautiful songs of the angels. You are in heaven, watching over us in the arms of the people I love who have also passed on before me. It brings me hope to know that one day I will see you again.

Two years. I'm grateful for how far we've all come since your loss. Those first few steps away from you were wobbly and hard. Your brother's arrival has given us a light again. And I know you're with us. I can feel you in the quiet beat of my heart. I see you in the beauty of all that surrounds me.

Two years. It was too soon to let you go, and I'm not meant to understand why. But I will forever love you and hold you close to my heart.

love forever and always,
Mommy

We released balloons for you after Matthew's birthday. I know you saw them.

A Birthday Letter...A Little Late

Dear Matthew,

My one year old wonder. How did you get to be one already? Weren't you just a tiny little guy who needed mommy to tend to your every want and need? Wasn't it you just the other night I cradled in my arms and snuggled with at 2 in the morning watching The Nanny on tv? Didn't we just cheer the victories of learning how to roll over? How did this year go by so fast?

You are a complete joy to me. Every day is a new adventure. You are exceling at a rapid rate. Learning and growing and reaching forward into the world of being a toddler. I love how now you can show your excitement by clapping for something. It fills my heart when I sing and you clap for me when I'm done. How did I get so lucky as to be your mommy? God knew you were just who we needed on earth. When I'm sad and aching with pain and missing all the people in my life who have gone on you smile at me and I realize why I'm still here. I take very seriously the job of guiding you through the days and making sure you are nourished in every possible way. From veggies and fruit and milk to hugs when you fall down.

I hold close to my heart all the days of your first year. And I welcome the excitement that comes with your second year. Your first 365 days were filled with all kinds of first. The first time we took you to the beach when you were a wee little guy. Your first halloween and that beautiful caterpillar costume that mommy just knew you had to wear. Your first Christmas and how you were so excited although you didn't quite understand what was going on. Your first superbowl, which was also the night your first tooth broke through. So many many good memories that your daddy and I will have to tell you about. This next year has a lot of firsts too. And as you'll experience all the holidays and vacation again it will be a whole new experience. You'll be more invested in what's going on and I can't wait to watch you see the world a little more clearer than you did last year.

You are just the love of my life, the reason I breathe and every moment of the day with you is just pure love. You just fill my world with healing and joy and total happiness. I can't even put into words how much I love being your mommy. You, my son, are the most amazing creature. I don't know how I ever lived without you in my life. And I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one that feels that way.

Love forever and always,
Mommy

A Messy Yay

I have some bigger blogging to do but I'm trying to be better about blogging the little things too. I plan to this week blog about his birthday, the twins and the awesome weekend we just had. But until I get to it I did catch a "yay" on camera.

Matthew, when he learned how to clap, learned incorrectly. But there was no need for us to correct him. We did it right and he did it right in his mind. He would slap the palm of one hand on the back of the other and alternate. It was so.stinking.cute. Well I knew the day would come when he learned how to do it right. That day came on Friday. We were headed to Stride Rite to buy his first pair of real walking shoes when I looked down to see the palms of his hands slapping together. I didn't feel pride at first that my son had learned a new skill correctly. I was mostly sad. The little baby clap was gone and in it's place the clap of a kid sharpening his skills. Sigh. Such is life and there will be plenty more moments like this to come. Forgive me as I shed a slight tear at my little boy growing up.



By the way, stick with it to the end and you will hear him say "all done" which he usually declares after he throws any leftover food onto the floor.

Wash, Wash, Wash Your Hands.

When mommy and daddy catch you playing in the cat bowls. You have to wash your hands.

A Beautiful Day

Today was a beautiful day. I can't believe this is summer. Typically by now we are on our 5th heat wave of the season. Today was beautiful though, slightly warm, but not humid. Lovely blue skies with plenty of sun. We left early this morning for breakfast and to go on a hunt for sandals for Matthew. He's outgrown the ones we bought in the beginning of the spring and well, since it's July it's prime season to buy winter boots, but sandals? Forget it. On our way we found a farmer's market. After a stop there to fill our bags with corn on the cob, zucchini, tomatoes and cucumbers we went on our way to Target. Matt found a fish hatchery next and we decided to see if Matthew could see all the fish they had in the ponds.

Matthew had fallen asleep once we got there though.


The fish hatchery was very nice. They had trout. Big ones and little baby ones. It's a place we'll definitely take Matthew back to once he's bigger and can have fun feeding them.



He didn't quite know what to think.



We had an even more amazing find at the fish hatchery!


Baby duckies!!! They were so cute and a lot of fun to watch.

We came home and just did not much of anything. Matthew had a big nap and we straightened up around the house. For dinner I made a meal with the vegetables we bought at the farmer's market and since it was so nice out we ate on the porch.


It was a beautiful end to the day. And actually a wonderful weekend. Yesterday we went down to the Obon festival with our friends Christi and Robert. Here's a quick video of Matthew grooving to the drums.

Nostalgia

Being it's the time around Matthew's first birthday I find myself being very notalgic for last year. Last night we were in Babies R Us to get a few things he needs for vacation and was remembering all the little teeny baby stuff we needed last year. Everyone thought we were crazy for taking him away so young. But in retrospect it will probably be the easiest vacation we took him on. We just needed a safe place to put him. This year, and all the years to follow, we have to worry about how to keep him entertained on vacation, which takes much more creative packing.

Last year it was so much fun to have a little tiny baby with us and to take pride in all the looks and comments we would get from people. This year will be so much fun because he can partake in the experience a lot more. From playing on the beach, to going to the aquarium to eating shaved ice at Mr. Steve's Fun Bus. I can't wait to experience this vacation through him and see how he enjoys the pool and the beach and the dog that will be with him. Not to mention 2 solid weeks of daddy being there when he wakes up. Since he has no concept of the week vs the weekend it is a thrill on Saturday and Sunday mornings when daddy gets him out of the crib.


Matthew on the beach


On a pile of watermelon at the watermelon festival.


and his first dip in a pool

Persistence Pays Off

Tonight while making dinner I let Matthew out of his pen (aka play yard). Typically he pulls down my cookbooks, dumps out all the tupperware and gets told 10 billion times to stay out of the cat food and water. Today, however, he stumbled upon his wagon sitting in the dining room. I was in the kitchen and not watching and I hear noises as if some little boy was putting a lot of effort into doing something. I turn to find him precariously balanced on his wagon, half in and half out. He was grunting to get all the way in. Me, being the good mommy I am, went to get the camera. Unfortunately he had made it all the way in before I could get a picture.

Twinkling Stars

I need to update on Matthew's and the twin's birthdays. I will get to that soon. To tide you over I'll leave you with a video. I was singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star last night and imagine my surprise when I saw Matthew raise his hands in the air and start wiggling his finger!

I grabbed the camera and started over but by then he was tired and didn't do it as much. He does it a little, in the middle of the song and again after the song is over.

Saying Goodnight

Tonight I asked Matt to let me put Matthew down. You see while in reality he is only 24 hours older tomorrow than he is today he will still be one. At 5:58 a.m. after a very long and hard labor that ended in an emergency c-section Matthew was born. The arms that had been empty for so long were not anymore.

It's been an amazing year with him and although this week has been very busy with cleaning and preparing for his party on Sunday I've been trying to take the time to enjoy the last few days of Matthew being a "baby". It's such a cliche, to say that that first year goes fast, but you don't truly understand how fast until it's your child. How long it seemed to take him to learn how to roll over and sit up and feed himself, it really wasn't that long ago. As the days ticked by slowly the year came up fast. Too fast.

I've said it before in my blogs. I'll miss the little baby he was. How he would struggle to lift his head off of my chest as he was a few days old trying to follow his daddy's voice. How he would make little creaks and groans as he slept and would stretch. How before he was in control of his movement his little arms and legs would shoot up or out. How he would smile and pout in his sleep. Those memories, I pray, will never leave me. I will hold them close to my heart and remember them when he's a smart mouth teenager declaring he hates me because I won't let him take the car.

I pray with all that I am that I am a good mommy to him. That I've hugged and cuddled him enough and done everything within my power to give him the best and most nurturing first year he could have.

The LAST First Holiday

Today is the 4th of July which marks a few things to us. First of all it's Matthew's LAST first holiday. We're closing in on his first birthday in a couple days and from here on out all the holiday's we've covered.

Here is a picture of me from last 4th of July when Matthew was a very noticeable bump in my belly


That day our annual tradition of fighting traffic down the shore was altered due to my 9 month pregnant self. Sarah and Wayne, our long standing partners in crime for said traffic fighting, came up to us and we walked over to the Community Day in our park. It was a very nice time although the mile long walk back had me beat and I was sure the sound of the fireworks was going to cause Matthew to have an early arrival.

This day is also a little bittersweet. Two years ago on this day I spent the day discussing baby names with Sarah. July 5th 2007 was when we were going in for our level II ultra sound to make sure everything was okay with the twins and to find out what we were having. As you know that day didn't go as planned as it was the day we found out our sweet Baby B had not made it. So while I'm celebrating the birthday of America and getting ready to celebrate the birthday of my son my mind is on the birthday of our twins too. I can't believe it's been two years since they made their too soon arrival into the arms of Jesus.